Those Who Can't Do, Teach, Asshole

First, there was Yente from Fiddler on the Roof. Then match.com blew the roof off Fiddler, according to Wikipedia: “[Match.com] reportedly has more than 15 million members and Web sites serving 37 countries in more than 12 different languages.” And then we said Bravo to Patti Stanger, television’s most notorious millionaire matchmaker. But brace yourselves, asshole observers. Aladdin’s Genie said it best, “You ain’t never had a friend like Gisele Bundchen.” You need not be legally blonde to relate—Elle Woods and Emmett Richmond will be the first to validate the accuracy of my match making prowess.

Emmett, an old chum from the wood, was dissatisfied. “Everyone tries to set me up. What a disaster. Gisele, someone of your charm, intellect and beauty is sure to know a like-minded, female parallel, equally good at life, who will be my (warning: gross cliché ahead) ‘partner in crime.’” Naturally, being the insanely generous altruist that I am, I indulged his plea [plea for story telling purposes, request made in jest in reality].

Elle Woods, currently in her second semester of law school, “isn’t here to make friends [asshole], [she] is here to be in the top 10%.” But this is just the tip on the theoretical iceberg of reasons why I love and identify with her. Epitomizing what it is to be a Gemini vegetarian, Elle is the very essence of savvy and composure—in the world of Target home interiors, she is the shabby chic to my Mix Master Hot Pink Coverlet. Her drive and ambition run a close second to her aptitude for selecting complimentary black outerwear, killer kicks and her innate sense coolness and self confidence. A fiercely loyal independent, Elle can roll with the homies, play the Philly in Lily and rock Chanel with the best of those assholes. Elle is my rock. Elle is my island. And most importantly, Elle is my anchor, bringing me back down to earth when I lose sight of reality, forget how to behave in public and of course, fail to acknowledge the assholes. But it would be improvident to further elaborate about Elle Woods; her future’s so bright, she’s got to wear Tom Ford shades.

Now let me tell you, bringing Elle and Emmett together was nothing less than a nightmare with those neurotic assholes. But, Gisele has the Midas touch. After endless back and forth, between two overly cautious, guarded legal minds…all it took was one round of drinks at the W to have them eating out of the palm of beautifully manicured and naturally gifted, match making hand.

The outcome? A dozen dinner dates, one Super Bowl and a Domino’s Pizza later, Elle and Emmitt are both running themselves rampant in attempt to lock down my Tom Brady. My happiness, notwithstanding, I’m truly thrilled and inspired by their shared joy. I know, I know. I’m nauseous, too.

So, what have we learned from this story? Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym. So at least I have something going for me, Asshole.

Asshole Inclined

Drew Barrymore is my favorite paradox—her Madonna-like ability to evolve affords such elite social versatility and intellectual comprehension; but my favorite part about Drew is her sheer capacity to defy the constraints of any one definition. She can Eat, Pray, Love while shopping at Barney’s [window shopping counts]. Then return said purchases and supplant with killer vintage frock. Drew can debate the benefits of universal healthcare, rock the Murphy bed and strut her shit right into any Ashram this side of the Atlantic. Her passion is only superseded by her compassion—she is saving the world, one bar-laden, psycho-analysis at a time. And there is nothing I’m more proud of than bearing witness to her utterly fabulous, sometimes pain-staking, always beautiful journey—and coming along for the ride. Oh yeah, and we pick up married men together (and obviously do NOT take them up on their tempting offers. Karma’s a bitch, Asshole!) No one appreciates an asshole more than my genetic splice, Drew Barrymore.

Drew has a penchant for chubby assholes that went to camp. It’s ‘her thing.’ With that said, I’d like to share the first of many conversations to be posted regarding Assholes with fetishes. It seems that in her quest for a chubby camper, Drew manages to find every freaky asshole in the book. I applaud your tenacity, Drew and support your objectives—but let’s be honest here; reformed chubby campers are often just assholes with window dressing. But then again, so are unaffected, thin, mamas boys.

Drew Barrymore: Whatcha doin

Gisele: hi my love. Trying to do some work. What are you doing?

Drew Barrymore: Under the covers. With bite marks and black and blues all over my neck…I don’t know what to do I’m so stupid

Gisele: Attack of Charles River?

Gisele: Gisele: Asshole…with fetishes?

Drew Barrymore: Haha good guess but no. Indian investment banker who entrapped me with an “I used to be 150lb bigger” line. Asshole.

Weekend Update

Assholes are not exempt from practice during the weekends, although it would be just peachy if they took some downtime. This reference in particular goes out to Iced T, who we will introduce during a special series entitled: “He ain't heavy, he's my father, Asshole. (Ok fine. Maybe a little heavy…)” In honor of his eastern excursion, these assholes seemed particularly pertinent.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/09/sports/othersports/09olympics.html?_r=1&scp=2&sq=ben+shpigel&st=nyt&oref=slogin

According to this article in the Saturday NYT: ‘When a caterer working for the United States Olympic Committee went to a supermarket in China last year, he encountered a piece of chicken — half of a breast — that measured 14 inches. “Enough to feed a family of eight,” said Frank Puleo, a caterer from Staten Island who has traveled to China to handle food-related issues. “We had it tested and it was so full of steroids that we never could have given it to athletes. They all would have tested positive.”’

Did you really need to test meat from China to deduce that it was full of steroids? Athletic assholes, you’re out of luck—looks like you’ll have to find another excuse when you test positive for steroid use. Oh, and population at large, do you know what is suggested by the premise that you’d actually consider eating meat in China, with or without prior knowledge of such testing? Eating meat in China is like Russian Roulette…or, in the words of Forest Gump, if you will, a box of chocolates; chicken, cow, dog, cat…you never know what you’re going to get. Asshole.

Better Late Than Never, Asshole

The Asshole Stimulus

Many, while wholly amused, seem befuddled by the sheer existence, prestige and nobility of Asshole of The Day. As such, I felt it was my responsibility to assert some clarity to the situation.

An exchange between the founding assholes, Gisele and Sarah:

Gisele: im writing a hypothetical letter to Sparky that we can post on Judge Judy's blog--I didn’t use names

Sarah: Can't wait to read it!!

Gisele: it's harsh! And awesome.

Sarah: Haaaaa – perfect for Judge Judy's blog

Gisele: …. Parting is such sweet sorrow, sweet ex. I want to wish you all of the best in your future endeavors as we go our separate ways. And as we take this moment of final reflection to ponder what was and what could have been, I ask you this: remember when we starting dating and I asked you if you were sure you could handle such an ego-maniacal, narcissistic materialist, and you said it was a risk you were willing to take? Well, it was also a risk that Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful and Doc were willing to take as well…while we were "together." See you on the flip side!



Lots of Love always,



The Real Love of your Life

Sarah: Love it – do you want me to send it to Judge Judy or do you want to edit?

Gisele: nah--therapeutic hate letters are best when published in their initial stream of consciousness

Sarah: I got it.

Gisele: you dig the mean letter. I feel so much better. im totally doing this every time im pissed. It’s a total rage killer.

Sarah: Do you want to start a blog too?

Gisele: 1,000% we so should--"things that piss me off"

Gisele: well I said im doing it I probably won’t

Gisele: or today’s biggest asshole blog:

today’s biggest asshole blog goes to my newspaper guy outside of my office building--if you don’t want me leaving money for the paper, then stay in your f’ing cubby. asshole.

Sarah: OMG - that's fantastic


And thus, Asshole of the Day was born. Just two super cool chicks who believe in the credo of honesty: it is, after all, the best policy. So, Read. Enjoy. Contribute. Asshole.

My Name is Sarah and I'm an Asshole

Hi, I’m Sarah Silverman. Not the real Sarah Silverman – duh. It’s merely an alias so I can bitch about all the assholes. As I sit and think about this though, I can’t really think of many assholes in my daily life. Then I realized it – I am an asshole. I find humor when people are frustrated, I smile when someone is angry, I laugh at others’ minor mishaps. I am an asshole. Take for example today; I was in Saks taking the express elevator. Now I love the express elevator it goes straight to the shoe floor (8) no stops in between. But there is always so dumb schmuck who doesn’t realize this. Even though there are signs EVERYWHERE and the elevator itself is bright red, unlike all the other elevators. Still these schmucks push the buttons over and over and freak out when their floor is passed. Then someone (of course not me because I’m an asshole) tells them it’s an express elevator. The schmuck usually makes a slightly inappropriate comment and I chuckle to myself. I am amused by silly things like this, not when actual bad things happen to people. I’m an asshole – not a douche bag.

The Asshole Bandwagon

http://jezebel.com/354304/how-do-you-deal-with-assholes-at-the-office

This is a prelude to a regular post we are gearing up to write called Office Assholes. And since I’ve just recently started a new job, just think about how much fun I’m going to have blogging about my old one. All I have to say is that in the crazy, three letter acronymed world of information, it’s raining assholes! And as always, I very much look forward to introducing the assholes in your office, too! No one likes to asshole-bash alone.

And a SUPER shout out to the fine folks at Jezebel. In the words of my co-contributor, the magnificent Sarah Silverman, who will be making her Asshole of the Day Debut this weekend (I am waiting with baited breath! Naturally, more on her upon her inaugural post), “Everyone is jumping on the asshole bandwagon!” Sweet! Asshole.

Super Size This, Asshole

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB120244090812952965-n9_CUGYWfucluaN0vL4eS28jL8w_20090207.html?mod=rss_free

According to the Journal, “ [Burger King’s] ‘Whopper Freakout’ online and TV ad campaign. Timed to celebrate the flagship burger's 50th anniversary, the ads showed what happened at two Burger King outlets in Nevada when -- in a hoax filmed by hidden cameras -- customers were told the Whopper had been taken off the menu.”

Sadly, I have witnessed these ridiculous, candid-camera-esque moments of horror-- when the voice behind the drive thru crushes the hopes and dreams of a credulous BK customer. But what did the King of Burger really deduce from this premature April Fools?

"While our core customers frequent Burger King five times a month, they frequent other fast-food restaurants 11 times a month," he says. Burger King hopes the research will help it improve customer loyalty.

While your core customer frequents BK five times a month, everyone else in the world frequents other fast food restaurants more…the reason for this? I’m going to go out on a limb here, and give it to you straight—I’d take a Big Mac over a Whopper any day. Asshole.