Those Who Can't Do, Teach, Asshole

First, there was Yente from Fiddler on the Roof. Then match.com blew the roof off Fiddler, according to Wikipedia: “[Match.com] reportedly has more than 15 million members and Web sites serving 37 countries in more than 12 different languages.” And then we said Bravo to Patti Stanger, television’s most notorious millionaire matchmaker. But brace yourselves, asshole observers. Aladdin’s Genie said it best, “You ain’t never had a friend like Gisele Bundchen.” You need not be legally blonde to relate—Elle Woods and Emmett Richmond will be the first to validate the accuracy of my match making prowess.

Emmett, an old chum from the wood, was dissatisfied. “Everyone tries to set me up. What a disaster. Gisele, someone of your charm, intellect and beauty is sure to know a like-minded, female parallel, equally good at life, who will be my (warning: gross cliché ahead) ‘partner in crime.’” Naturally, being the insanely generous altruist that I am, I indulged his plea [plea for story telling purposes, request made in jest in reality].

Elle Woods, currently in her second semester of law school, “isn’t here to make friends [asshole], [she] is here to be in the top 10%.” But this is just the tip on the theoretical iceberg of reasons why I love and identify with her. Epitomizing what it is to be a Gemini vegetarian, Elle is the very essence of savvy and composure—in the world of Target home interiors, she is the shabby chic to my Mix Master Hot Pink Coverlet. Her drive and ambition run a close second to her aptitude for selecting complimentary black outerwear, killer kicks and her innate sense coolness and self confidence. A fiercely loyal independent, Elle can roll with the homies, play the Philly in Lily and rock Chanel with the best of those assholes. Elle is my rock. Elle is my island. And most importantly, Elle is my anchor, bringing me back down to earth when I lose sight of reality, forget how to behave in public and of course, fail to acknowledge the assholes. But it would be improvident to further elaborate about Elle Woods; her future’s so bright, she’s got to wear Tom Ford shades.

Now let me tell you, bringing Elle and Emmett together was nothing less than a nightmare with those neurotic assholes. But, Gisele has the Midas touch. After endless back and forth, between two overly cautious, guarded legal minds…all it took was one round of drinks at the W to have them eating out of the palm of beautifully manicured and naturally gifted, match making hand.

The outcome? A dozen dinner dates, one Super Bowl and a Domino’s Pizza later, Elle and Emmitt are both running themselves rampant in attempt to lock down my Tom Brady. My happiness, notwithstanding, I’m truly thrilled and inspired by their shared joy. I know, I know. I’m nauseous, too.

So, what have we learned from this story? Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym. So at least I have something going for me, Asshole.