How Assholes Pass the Time

I have decided to take portions of online dating profiles and mock them.

Why? Certainly NOT because I'm mean or heartless. Simply because I'm an asshole... and need to share my joy and entertainment with the world! No one should laugh this hard alone. With that said, I'd like to introduce what will be a continuing series of posts tentatively titled 'How Assholes Pass the Time,' with a quote from my beloved, Daria:

Daria: What has two cheeks and a gaping hole in between?

These assholes!

(i'm not sure where i was going with that)

Daria may be suffering from from a mild case of misdirection, but I'm not. Ladies, grab a friend and a kleenex (no one likes to be the asshole with mascara running down their cheeks, even as the byproduct of uncontrollable laughter.)

Enticing the Online Dater:

In an effort to better understand the ever changing world around us, to substantiate evidence supporting my theories on life and love, and of course, to further entertain myself in all areas online dating, I give you: De-Coding the Psyche of the Personal Profile, an in depth look at New York’s most eligible e-bachelors! Ladies, rev your hard drives, these puppies are out and ready to romp!

Notice the sincerity as e-bachelor number one attempts to separate himself from the e-crowd:

About Me

Definitely not your regular button down and black shoes kinda guy. Skiiing in the winter, parties in the summer, Ill never pass over a good dance party whether in my apartment or out with friends. I am very social and outgoing love to meet new people and do new things. Not sure what I am looking for considering work takes up most of my time, but you never know.

You’re absolutely right, darling. Skiing in the winter and parties in the summer really set you apart from that whole ‘regular button down and black shoes kinda guy.’ Speaking of which, would you care to elaborate on that point? I must have missed the memo [characterizing this stereotype] regarding the ‘typical’ guy and his penchant for button downs (I’d like to see some more specificity here) and black shoes (yep, same game here.) But ladies, if he didn’t have you at winter ski sessions and summer partayinggggggg, then perhaps his weakness for at home dance parties can pummel your heart. You see that, he’s always game to bust a move, Young MC. This strapping young e-lad leaves us begging for more; so few answers, so many questions: what KIND of black shoes? Break dancing or ballroom? How big is your apartment dance floor? Are these dance parties regular (dance, dance revolution SO, does not count.) This fella knows how to keep me begging for more. No more. Nexxxxxxt.

E-bachelor number two really knows how to set the tone:

I am looking for a:

Being that I am somewhat of a chameleon, Id like to find someone similar. Comfortable in all situations, able to have fun anywhere no matter how "bad this place is". Someone who will reciprocate the energy that I bring everyday.

According to Wikipedia, chameleons ‘have head or facial ornamentation, such as nasal protrusions, or horn-like projections or large crests on top of their head.’ Insert Jewish Horn Joke here. Insert Jewish nasal voice joke here. Oh, and why would you take someone out on a shitty first date to an atmosphere prefaced with “no matter how bad this place is?” To test their chameleon-ality? The only energy I’d reciprocate is stamina: how long will it take him to notice that when I said “ladies room,” I actually ment, “peace out, brotha!” Nexxxxt.

More on this and other adventures in online dating to follow. Til then, watch your asshole. You never know who's lurking in between the [web] pages of your [internet] browser.