Your Highness (Pun Intended, Asshole)

Just like the Beatles, "I get high with a little help from my friends, Yes I get by with a little help from my friends," especially when it comes to matters of the heart...and online dating.

Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can't help...myself. These spicy fellows are just the tip of the iceberg.

There is only one word capable of capturing the essences of this e-bachelor: fuzzy. Animals, babies, and song writing, oh-my! Thanks for forcing me to acknowledge my lack of maternal instinct, asshole.

About Me

Hi, thanks for reading my profile! I like to think I'm the kind of guy that a lot of girls are looking for. I am commited, caring, genuine, and romantic. Smart, funny, sarcastic, creative and sweet. I'll always listen to your problems and make you feel better than you did before. I have my own real estate company, and I'm also pursuing my dream of becoming a professional screenwriter. My first script just won a screen writing competition. Other than writing, I've been playing guitar for 10 years and write my own songs. I'm always optimistic, and I love animals, especially dogs. I like girls who are funny and ambitious, down to earth, and incredibly intelligent. Give me a chance, I think you'll be glad you did. And no, that's not my baby!

Who cares whose baby that is. I stopped reading after you thanked me for reading your profile (aka line one). In the words of Groucho Marx, ‘I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.’ Or thanks me for reading their profile, asshole.

Nexxxt.

I am looking for a:

That's a tough one .I am a bit picky. I'd be lying if I said looks werent important. Personality career oriented good family .great dresser, not conservative .good kisser .not shy .confident .not a picky eater .likes to work out .likes to travel .similiar interests .likes to party hard (at times) and loves dogs. Since I don't have one of my own .extra points if you do. Is that too much to ask?

Yes, it is. Asshole.

"I'm Just a Teenage Dirtbag," Asshole

Teen angst? Not for Daria, who is adjusting attitude, one teenage asshole at a time (and rightfully so!). You go, Daria!

http://valleywag.com/361100/new-york-editors-confuse-tech+blog-readers-with-teenage-girls

Aren't we supposed to be in a recession, assholes? Why are you advocating that teenage girls demand their parents buy them $400 iPhones (and don't get me started on the crappy contracts AT&T/cingular/whatever it's called is offering with their monopoly on them)? I am so glad I am no longer a teenage girl. I don't think I could even begin to keep up with the fact that I would constantly have to text "Where R U?" to my friends, take pictures (with a camera so small keeping track of it is a time drain in itself) for my MySpace/Facebook/Tumblr page, be an expert at Guitar Hero (without it being obvious that I spend all my free time practicing), and manage my small business (what's that? Most teens don't have small business empires to manage? My bad, I was just siding with Hilary Duff's "Team BlackBerry" killer argument).

Maybe Seventeen should spend less time teaching girls about conspicuous consumption and more time inserting random education factoids in their 'zine so we don't have to read articles like this: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/27/us/27history.html?ref=todayspaper. "Fewer than half of American teenagers who were asked basic history and literature questions in a phone survey knew when the Civil War was fought, and one in four said Columbus sailed to the New World some time after 1750, not in 1492." I realize that inserting Columbus details into the average teen-oriented magazine will not sell ad dollars and help keep the flailing print industry afloat, but I just can't get on board with the fact that the average teenage girl probably knows more facts about the MacBook Air than the suffrage movement that earned them the right to vote.

Seriously, assholes, maybe next time you have a section pimping out the latest technology, insert at least one somewhat educational/informative website into the mix. Or teach your readers how to read a financial report – or any newspaper at all – so they realize that now is not the time to be asking their parents for anything but hybrid cars (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/27/business/27gas.html?ref=todayspaper).

How Assholes Pass the Time

I have decided to take portions of online dating profiles and mock them.

Why? Certainly NOT because I'm mean or heartless. Simply because I'm an asshole... and need to share my joy and entertainment with the world! No one should laugh this hard alone. With that said, I'd like to introduce what will be a continuing series of posts tentatively titled 'How Assholes Pass the Time,' with a quote from my beloved, Daria:

Daria: What has two cheeks and a gaping hole in between?

These assholes!

(i'm not sure where i was going with that)

Daria may be suffering from from a mild case of misdirection, but I'm not. Ladies, grab a friend and a kleenex (no one likes to be the asshole with mascara running down their cheeks, even as the byproduct of uncontrollable laughter.)

Enticing the Online Dater:

In an effort to better understand the ever changing world around us, to substantiate evidence supporting my theories on life and love, and of course, to further entertain myself in all areas online dating, I give you: De-Coding the Psyche of the Personal Profile, an in depth look at New York’s most eligible e-bachelors! Ladies, rev your hard drives, these puppies are out and ready to romp!

Notice the sincerity as e-bachelor number one attempts to separate himself from the e-crowd:

About Me

Definitely not your regular button down and black shoes kinda guy. Skiiing in the winter, parties in the summer, Ill never pass over a good dance party whether in my apartment or out with friends. I am very social and outgoing love to meet new people and do new things. Not sure what I am looking for considering work takes up most of my time, but you never know.

You’re absolutely right, darling. Skiing in the winter and parties in the summer really set you apart from that whole ‘regular button down and black shoes kinda guy.’ Speaking of which, would you care to elaborate on that point? I must have missed the memo [characterizing this stereotype] regarding the ‘typical’ guy and his penchant for button downs (I’d like to see some more specificity here) and black shoes (yep, same game here.) But ladies, if he didn’t have you at winter ski sessions and summer partayinggggggg, then perhaps his weakness for at home dance parties can pummel your heart. You see that, he’s always game to bust a move, Young MC. This strapping young e-lad leaves us begging for more; so few answers, so many questions: what KIND of black shoes? Break dancing or ballroom? How big is your apartment dance floor? Are these dance parties regular (dance, dance revolution SO, does not count.) This fella knows how to keep me begging for more. No more. Nexxxxxxt.

E-bachelor number two really knows how to set the tone:

I am looking for a:

Being that I am somewhat of a chameleon, Id like to find someone similar. Comfortable in all situations, able to have fun anywhere no matter how "bad this place is". Someone who will reciprocate the energy that I bring everyday.

According to Wikipedia, chameleons ‘have head or facial ornamentation, such as nasal protrusions, or horn-like projections or large crests on top of their head.’ Insert Jewish Horn Joke here. Insert Jewish nasal voice joke here. Oh, and why would you take someone out on a shitty first date to an atmosphere prefaced with “no matter how bad this place is?” To test their chameleon-ality? The only energy I’d reciprocate is stamina: how long will it take him to notice that when I said “ladies room,” I actually ment, “peace out, brotha!” Nexxxxt.

More on this and other adventures in online dating to follow. Til then, watch your asshole. You never know who's lurking in between the [web] pages of your [internet] browser.

The Art of The Asshole

To Whom It May Concern:

The sheer genius of the asshole blog isn’t a concept entirely outside the realm of your grasp. Listen up, Mary Sunshine. This isn’t your grandmother’s blog. If indeed you are constantly happy, always smiling and abstain from the use of any negatively conotated phrase, including appellations such as asshole or douche bag, quite frankly not only is this blog not for you, we actually discourage your kind from bearing witness to such pearls of wisdom. That’s right. You’re not worthy. Wait. You’re not going to cry, are you? Suck it up, asshole. This is the real world; so, our suggestion is that you best get busy understanding the asshole within and identifying the asshole throughout. There are few things upon which we can rely in these crazy times, but one fact reigns true. If you can’t identify the asshole in your life, than that’s right. It’s pretty simple. You’re it. Asshole.

All the best,

The Management

Daria:uh oh

i sent my friend the office assholes list without teling her we wrote it

and she says she doesnt' like it b/c it's compeltely engative

Gisele: PEOPLE

say that to me

and it pisses me off

honestly

fuck that

Daria:like of COURSE it's negative

Gisele: if you can't appreciate asshoels than you are an asshole

Daria:if it was all about rainbows and butterflies, then it would be BORING

and UNTRUE

Gisele: i think im going to write that one next

EXACTLY

and that's life bitches

get a grip

or a valium

Daria:that's why it' son the asshole of the day blog

Gisele: so stop bitching to us

YES

Daria:and not the "these people should be cannonized" blog

Gisele: and if you can't identify an asshole in your life

than you're it

ASSHOLE

Daria:YES

Daria:ah it's spelled canonized

Daria:<---asshole

Independent Assholes and Delusions of Grandeur…or ‘Jeffersonian Revolutions’

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/02/24/nader.politics/index.html

Time out, Zach Morris style. Look who is drinking the campaign ’08, kool aid. That’s right, people. None other than our favorite political juggernaut, Ralph Nader! Personally I think he was sent here by some forward-thinking democrat with a deep-seated desire to revamp the whole Bonnie and Clyde thing with our favorite, ground breaking democratic non-duo, Clinton and Obama. This has conspiracy written ALL over it. According to CNN.com:

"He thought that there was no difference between Al Gore and George Bush and, eight years later, I think people realize that Ralph did not know what he was talking about," Sen. Barack Obama said a town hall meeting Sunday.

Calling Nader's move "very unfortunate," Sen. Hillary Clinton told reporters, "I remember when he ran before. It didn't turn out very well for anybody -- especially our country."

Isn’t that sweet; yet another issue upon which our indistinguishable democratic candidates concur. But let us return to the tour de force that is Ralph Nader’s attempt at “Jeffersonian Revolution.”

“Nader said Thomas Jefferson believed that "when you lose your government, you've got to go into the electoral arena."

"A Jeffersonian revolution is needed in this country," he said.”

Hey Nader, thanks for the memories, but quite frankly, you’re 8 years late and an economic recession short, asshole.

Newsworthy Asshole of The Week

Anderson Cooper does it again! He's the crime fighting news anchor, in hot pursuit of assholes suffering from media overexposure. Anderson, you continue to ASStound us:

Really?! Is Roger Clemens really the most important topic a House
Committee should be discussing? It is phenomonally amazing to me when
we have billions and billions being spent in a losing war, gas prices
that would make Donald Trump poor and a housing market crisis that
baseball is really the most important topic our representatives can
find to discuss.

I don't know if you have seen any video footage, but these assholes
are better than Days of Our Lives. "You were my hero"... "I don't
know what to believe anymore" can be heard being uttered at the
"hearing." Couldn't it just be they don't know how to solve real
problems and instead are focusing on a media firestorm story to get
their faces in the news.

Instead of talking about who was at Jose Canseco's party why aren't
they talking about immigration and how to over take Cuba? As they
jockey for position (note the head of the committee pounding his gavel
as often as possible to prove his penis is bigger than anyone else's
in the room) and face time I can only wonder if Barry Bonds, Andy
Petite and the other hundreds of players accused in the Mitchell
Report are laughing in the corner of the locker room...assholes.

As Always Make It A Great Day. Or not. The Choice Is Yours, Assholes.

Daria SexeS it Up. That's Right, Palendromic Styles, Assholes

Daria on the Tween Libido. If chastity is a virtue, than she is virtue-less!

But, if being a contributing commentator on GAWKER is a virtue, she kicks asshole! Congrats, Morgandoffer. On behalf of assholes everywhere, we salute your beauty, sarcasm, wit, humor and naturally, your innate appreciation and understanding for the finer assholes in life.

http://men.style.com/details/blogs/thegadabout/2008/02/the-total-aweso.html#more

I just don't understand why sex has to be such an all-or-nothing issue for teenage celebrities. I think the Jonas brothers are cute – although their pants are a touch on the tight side – and while I can't say I know a lot of their music, I have a fondness for them that stems from their being from a town near my hometown in northern New Jersey, and the fact that they remind me of the Hanson brothers from my own tweenage years. So I'd like to take this opportunity to both chastise them for coming off as pompous assholes (thinking that paparazzi shots of them turn into "where's Waldo" searches for their purity rings) and offer them some advice.

Tween and teen celebs should be just that: celebrities. I realize that their fans develop intense fascinations with them and want to know about their personal lives, but can't they (and this goes for you too, Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus) realize that they don't need to overshare when it comes to matters of the sexual sort? Just do your business in private and keep it just that: PRIVATE. When celebrities like the Jonas Brothers speak out about their "purity" and "chastity vows" all it does is leave them ripe for mocking and abuse if/when they do get caught breaking said vow. They're teenagers and they're going to want to have sex (thank you, Coach Carr in Mean Girls for teaching us this). By all means, go for it, but learn from Jamie Lynn Spears and Juno and wrap it up, Jo Bros. Also learn from her sister, who we all remember very publicly announcing that she remained a virgin despite her relationship with Justin Timberlake and now faces allegations from many a lad from her high school days saying he conquered that land long before JT. And my god, boys, do you really think that when some little 17 year old has you all hot and bothered, some ring on your finger will make you think twice? No, Assholes, it won't. Whether or not you keep it in your pants 'til marriage is your decision, but don't inform the American public at large about it