Second Thoughts are for Assholes

On second thought (and read,) that post was crap. Clearly my skills for assholification are in dire need of a creative colonic. Stay tuned for more on inspired cleansing for assholes 101...

RECTIFYING THE ASSHOLE WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM THE RSS FEED...

RSS feeds are the gloriously simple syndications that dreams are made of…at least for the nerds and technorati, alike! Three cheers for the Google reader as it has (for today at least) re-inspired me – there is no time like the present and now is the time to seize the day!…or at least continue on my quest of discovery and uncovering assholes small and large!

ASSHOLES RE-INSPIRED!

Hit me baby, one more time, Daria! And a special shout out to my girl, Drew Barrymore--because you're right Drew, there's no right way to do the wrong thing. And anyone who thinks otherwise, is an asshole!

Hit it, Daria!

http://www.newsweek.com/id/132240/page/1

I don't even know where to start with this one, assholes. Remember in the movie Clueless when Cher nonchalantly mentions that her mother died during a "routine liposuction procedure" when she was a baby? Cher may seem unaffected by it, but seriously, what child can't help but feel insecure and unloved by a mother forever stolen from her daughter because of her own vanity? When I was a child, I would have been beyond scared if my mother told me she was going to have surgery – even if she read me this stupid book as an attempt to explain why she had to undergo a potentially dangerous procedure just to look how she thinks she used to. Oh, and it was her pregnancy with ME that made her hate her body. If you need me, I'll be in my room with the shades drawn sobbing uncontrollably on my bed because I made my mother sad about how she looks.

Moving on…Do the illustrations have to look like ridiculously idealized generic cartoon characters? Must the stereotypical white family have what is clearly a BMW SUV sitting in the driveway? Why is the plastic surgeon a doctor by day and Mr. Incredible by night? Why does the mother have a nosejob as part of her "mommy makeover" when, according to the book and this article, rhinoplasty is not normally a part of the procedure?

I agree that it is hard for a child to understand why mommy is going into the hospital and why she may not be able to lift things for a while (and possibly why she no longer has a belly button à la Patricia Heaton: http://defamer.com/366521/missing-one-celebrity-belly-button-and-one-sense-of-inhibition), but this book clearly misses the point. Plastic surgery has become so routine and commonplace that mothers don't even consider the psychological repercussions these procedures have on their children. My mother and I have very similar noses, and if she were to change her's, I would definitely feel sensitive about mine. Now I haven't had children myself, so I can't decidedly say that I won't bemoan the loss of my pre-pregnancy body when I do eventually reproduce. Nevertheless, I will affirm that my stomach and sagging, um, other parts (whattup gravity) will not be my most pressing thought while trying to raise a well-rounded kid with a head on his or her shoulders in what will undoubtedly be an even more fucked up future.

Java Brewing Assholes

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120594882373049045.html?mod=mm_main_promo_left

“SEATTLE -- Starbucks Corp. will add new coffee machines, a customer loyalty card and a new blend of brewed coffee in an effort to revive its coffee empire, the company announced at its annual shareholder meeting here.”

Starbucks tastes like asshole. My vote? Why don’t you polish up that java before you start construction on the hut. No one is incentivized by customer cards or cares if your new machines can work it if when ultimate product tastes like…here it comes…ASSHOLE!

Assholes on Hiatus

Greetings asshole enthusiasts the blogger formerly known as Gisele is back!—today, the culpability falls in my lap. Blame in on too many endorphins (the NYSC is FILLED with assholes, by the way), a roller coaster of yet-to-fail romantic trysts (does believing make me a bigger asshole?), or the sheer suspense and anticipation of Brit’s cameo on How I Met Your Mother---either way, this writers strike is over, assholes! I’m back with a vengeance, more eager to distinguish the everyday assholes in our world than EVER before. So here’s to assholes on hiatus—in the legendary words of our own plastic favorite, Paula Abdul, sometimes, I take two steps forward, I take two steps back. Opposites are for assholes. We keep it like minded up in this joint: say it with me now, Asshole!

Six Pairs of Kicks is Daria's Definition of Twelve Steps, Assholes

In the sinking ship that is writers block, every asshole needs a life raft. Daria is mine...

When I first came across these shoes on Nordstrom's site (http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2965959/0~2376788~6002242~6007715~6008488?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6008488&P=2), I was very confused as to why anybody, male or female, would want to wear shoes dubbed "prison issue." You don't see people walking around in orange jumpsuits, do you? And I'm pretty sure the population at large is forever turned off of one inch or wider vertical stripes on most clothing because of the concentration camp/prisoner imagery it evokes. A quick Google search yielded the following description of the shoes from uncrate.com:

"Vans made these laceless canvas sneakers back in the day for those unlucky souls in California prisons. Apparently, shoe laces are more dangerous than the Velcro straps found on the Vans Prison Issue #23 ($50). And if the blaze orange doesn't match your jumpsuit, the kicks also come in black, green, purple and yellow."

http://www.uncrate.com/men/style/shoes/vans-prison-issue-23/

Why does Vans think that calling shoes "Prison Issue" because they were originally made for prisoners in California jails will help them sell? I particularly enjoy how the description glosses over the reasons WHY you wouldn't want to give shoelaces to a prisoner. "Apparently, shoe laces are more dangerous than the velcro straps found on the Vans Prison Issue #23 ($50)." Why yes, uncrate.com copy writer, I'm pretty sure most prison guards – and anyone with common sense – would agree that a shoelace can be used to strangle someone while Velcro can be used to, uh, give them a nasty rubbing. So yes, I would have to assert that shoelaces ARE more dangerous than Velcro straps.

But I digress. The original reason for this post was that I think it's time companies stopped marketing prison and prison apparel as "cool" to teenagers, the target market of brands like Vans. Teens should not aspire to dress like people in prison, assholes. And prison wear should not be associated with teen-oriented brands. It's bad enough we have celebrities like Nicole Richie (84 minutes in jail) and Lindsay Lohan making a mockery of the penal system, but now companies are actually promoting the prison lifestyle to consumers?? I had Velcro sneakers when I was 4 in the late '80s, why not simply dub this style of shoe "retro?" The target market probably shares similar nostalgia for Velcro shoes and would buy the kicks because of that. Prison gear versus shoes from your childhood…think about it, assholes.

Assholes Speak in Toungues of Passive Aggression

Hit it, Daria!

To the Passive-Aggressive Asshole Talking to My Coworker in the Next Cubicle:

Listen, asshole, because you are clearly talking to her for my benefit. When I scheduled a meeting for 1 o'clock today, it wasn't an attempt on my behalf to make you starve yourself or throw off what appears to be an eating schedule set in stone. It is not even my meeting, it's someone else's. I merely sent out the invitation because that person (who also chose the 1 pm time, I might add) couldn't figure out how to work the meeting invitation site. So stop loudly complaining to the other person that you "have a meeting at 1 and are going to have to starve until after." I'm sorry that at the age of 30, you apparently have learned how to dress yourself quite well (today's dress from a store in the Village is particularly cute, fyi), but have not yet mastered the art of planning your meals. If a meeting is at 1, why not, say, go get lunch at 12:15? Or you could run and pick something up at the deli downstairs (I recommend sandwich #5) around 12:50 and still make it back in time. No one will mind that you are eating during the meeting, and if they do, just inform them that apparently you are incapable of eating lunch at any other time besides 1 pm at the risk of death or extreme malnutrition.

I'd also like to add that when you originally complained to me about the meeting being at 1 after I sent out the invite last week, I then tried to order sandwiches and salad for everyone. Unfortunately, the powers that be have yet to bless me with a corporate charge card, and my current financial situation does not allow me to commit Mother Theresa-like acts of feeding poor corporate drones forced into meetings at lunchtime against their will out of my own pocket. I contacted the person who is in charge of the meeting – he is one of the chosen few with a corporate card – but he failed to get back to me in time to place an order. So shut up, you passive aggressive asshole! I actually tried for once. Consider this the last time I compliment you on anything you're wearing. And yes, that will be me you see strolling past the conference room around 1:15 feasting on my delicious lunch.

Best,

Daria