Second Thoughts are for Assholes

On second thought (and read,) that post was crap. Clearly my skills for assholification are in dire need of a creative colonic. Stay tuned for more on inspired cleansing for assholes 101...

RECTIFYING THE ASSHOLE WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM THE RSS FEED...

RSS feeds are the gloriously simple syndications that dreams are made of…at least for the nerds and technorati, alike! Three cheers for the Google reader as it has (for today at least) re-inspired me – there is no time like the present and now is the time to seize the day!…or at least continue on my quest of discovery and uncovering assholes small and large!

ASSHOLES RE-INSPIRED!

Hit me baby, one more time, Daria! And a special shout out to my girl, Drew Barrymore--because you're right Drew, there's no right way to do the wrong thing. And anyone who thinks otherwise, is an asshole!

Hit it, Daria!

http://www.newsweek.com/id/132240/page/1

I don't even know where to start with this one, assholes. Remember in the movie Clueless when Cher nonchalantly mentions that her mother died during a "routine liposuction procedure" when she was a baby? Cher may seem unaffected by it, but seriously, what child can't help but feel insecure and unloved by a mother forever stolen from her daughter because of her own vanity? When I was a child, I would have been beyond scared if my mother told me she was going to have surgery – even if she read me this stupid book as an attempt to explain why she had to undergo a potentially dangerous procedure just to look how she thinks she used to. Oh, and it was her pregnancy with ME that made her hate her body. If you need me, I'll be in my room with the shades drawn sobbing uncontrollably on my bed because I made my mother sad about how she looks.

Moving on…Do the illustrations have to look like ridiculously idealized generic cartoon characters? Must the stereotypical white family have what is clearly a BMW SUV sitting in the driveway? Why is the plastic surgeon a doctor by day and Mr. Incredible by night? Why does the mother have a nosejob as part of her "mommy makeover" when, according to the book and this article, rhinoplasty is not normally a part of the procedure?

I agree that it is hard for a child to understand why mommy is going into the hospital and why she may not be able to lift things for a while (and possibly why she no longer has a belly button à la Patricia Heaton: http://defamer.com/366521/missing-one-celebrity-belly-button-and-one-sense-of-inhibition), but this book clearly misses the point. Plastic surgery has become so routine and commonplace that mothers don't even consider the psychological repercussions these procedures have on their children. My mother and I have very similar noses, and if she were to change her's, I would definitely feel sensitive about mine. Now I haven't had children myself, so I can't decidedly say that I won't bemoan the loss of my pre-pregnancy body when I do eventually reproduce. Nevertheless, I will affirm that my stomach and sagging, um, other parts (whattup gravity) will not be my most pressing thought while trying to raise a well-rounded kid with a head on his or her shoulders in what will undoubtedly be an even more fucked up future.

Java Brewing Assholes

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120594882373049045.html?mod=mm_main_promo_left

“SEATTLE -- Starbucks Corp. will add new coffee machines, a customer loyalty card and a new blend of brewed coffee in an effort to revive its coffee empire, the company announced at its annual shareholder meeting here.”

Starbucks tastes like asshole. My vote? Why don’t you polish up that java before you start construction on the hut. No one is incentivized by customer cards or cares if your new machines can work it if when ultimate product tastes like…here it comes…ASSHOLE!

Assholes on Hiatus

Greetings asshole enthusiasts the blogger formerly known as Gisele is back!—today, the culpability falls in my lap. Blame in on too many endorphins (the NYSC is FILLED with assholes, by the way), a roller coaster of yet-to-fail romantic trysts (does believing make me a bigger asshole?), or the sheer suspense and anticipation of Brit’s cameo on How I Met Your Mother---either way, this writers strike is over, assholes! I’m back with a vengeance, more eager to distinguish the everyday assholes in our world than EVER before. So here’s to assholes on hiatus—in the legendary words of our own plastic favorite, Paula Abdul, sometimes, I take two steps forward, I take two steps back. Opposites are for assholes. We keep it like minded up in this joint: say it with me now, Asshole!

Six Pairs of Kicks is Daria's Definition of Twelve Steps, Assholes

In the sinking ship that is writers block, every asshole needs a life raft. Daria is mine...

When I first came across these shoes on Nordstrom's site (http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2965959/0~2376788~6002242~6007715~6008488?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6008488&P=2), I was very confused as to why anybody, male or female, would want to wear shoes dubbed "prison issue." You don't see people walking around in orange jumpsuits, do you? And I'm pretty sure the population at large is forever turned off of one inch or wider vertical stripes on most clothing because of the concentration camp/prisoner imagery it evokes. A quick Google search yielded the following description of the shoes from uncrate.com:

"Vans made these laceless canvas sneakers back in the day for those unlucky souls in California prisons. Apparently, shoe laces are more dangerous than the Velcro straps found on the Vans Prison Issue #23 ($50). And if the blaze orange doesn't match your jumpsuit, the kicks also come in black, green, purple and yellow."

http://www.uncrate.com/men/style/shoes/vans-prison-issue-23/

Why does Vans think that calling shoes "Prison Issue" because they were originally made for prisoners in California jails will help them sell? I particularly enjoy how the description glosses over the reasons WHY you wouldn't want to give shoelaces to a prisoner. "Apparently, shoe laces are more dangerous than the velcro straps found on the Vans Prison Issue #23 ($50)." Why yes, uncrate.com copy writer, I'm pretty sure most prison guards – and anyone with common sense – would agree that a shoelace can be used to strangle someone while Velcro can be used to, uh, give them a nasty rubbing. So yes, I would have to assert that shoelaces ARE more dangerous than Velcro straps.

But I digress. The original reason for this post was that I think it's time companies stopped marketing prison and prison apparel as "cool" to teenagers, the target market of brands like Vans. Teens should not aspire to dress like people in prison, assholes. And prison wear should not be associated with teen-oriented brands. It's bad enough we have celebrities like Nicole Richie (84 minutes in jail) and Lindsay Lohan making a mockery of the penal system, but now companies are actually promoting the prison lifestyle to consumers?? I had Velcro sneakers when I was 4 in the late '80s, why not simply dub this style of shoe "retro?" The target market probably shares similar nostalgia for Velcro shoes and would buy the kicks because of that. Prison gear versus shoes from your childhood…think about it, assholes.

Assholes Speak in Toungues of Passive Aggression

Hit it, Daria!

To the Passive-Aggressive Asshole Talking to My Coworker in the Next Cubicle:

Listen, asshole, because you are clearly talking to her for my benefit. When I scheduled a meeting for 1 o'clock today, it wasn't an attempt on my behalf to make you starve yourself or throw off what appears to be an eating schedule set in stone. It is not even my meeting, it's someone else's. I merely sent out the invitation because that person (who also chose the 1 pm time, I might add) couldn't figure out how to work the meeting invitation site. So stop loudly complaining to the other person that you "have a meeting at 1 and are going to have to starve until after." I'm sorry that at the age of 30, you apparently have learned how to dress yourself quite well (today's dress from a store in the Village is particularly cute, fyi), but have not yet mastered the art of planning your meals. If a meeting is at 1, why not, say, go get lunch at 12:15? Or you could run and pick something up at the deli downstairs (I recommend sandwich #5) around 12:50 and still make it back in time. No one will mind that you are eating during the meeting, and if they do, just inform them that apparently you are incapable of eating lunch at any other time besides 1 pm at the risk of death or extreme malnutrition.

I'd also like to add that when you originally complained to me about the meeting being at 1 after I sent out the invite last week, I then tried to order sandwiches and salad for everyone. Unfortunately, the powers that be have yet to bless me with a corporate charge card, and my current financial situation does not allow me to commit Mother Theresa-like acts of feeding poor corporate drones forced into meetings at lunchtime against their will out of my own pocket. I contacted the person who is in charge of the meeting – he is one of the chosen few with a corporate card – but he failed to get back to me in time to place an order. So shut up, you passive aggressive asshole! I actually tried for once. Consider this the last time I compliment you on anything you're wearing. And yes, that will be me you see strolling past the conference room around 1:15 feasting on my delicious lunch.

Best,

Daria

Your Highness (Pun Intended, Asshole)

Just like the Beatles, "I get high with a little help from my friends, Yes I get by with a little help from my friends," especially when it comes to matters of the heart...and online dating.

Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can't help...myself. These spicy fellows are just the tip of the iceberg.

There is only one word capable of capturing the essences of this e-bachelor: fuzzy. Animals, babies, and song writing, oh-my! Thanks for forcing me to acknowledge my lack of maternal instinct, asshole.

About Me

Hi, thanks for reading my profile! I like to think I'm the kind of guy that a lot of girls are looking for. I am commited, caring, genuine, and romantic. Smart, funny, sarcastic, creative and sweet. I'll always listen to your problems and make you feel better than you did before. I have my own real estate company, and I'm also pursuing my dream of becoming a professional screenwriter. My first script just won a screen writing competition. Other than writing, I've been playing guitar for 10 years and write my own songs. I'm always optimistic, and I love animals, especially dogs. I like girls who are funny and ambitious, down to earth, and incredibly intelligent. Give me a chance, I think you'll be glad you did. And no, that's not my baby!

Who cares whose baby that is. I stopped reading after you thanked me for reading your profile (aka line one). In the words of Groucho Marx, ‘I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.’ Or thanks me for reading their profile, asshole.

Nexxxt.

I am looking for a:

That's a tough one .I am a bit picky. I'd be lying if I said looks werent important. Personality career oriented good family .great dresser, not conservative .good kisser .not shy .confident .not a picky eater .likes to work out .likes to travel .similiar interests .likes to party hard (at times) and loves dogs. Since I don't have one of my own .extra points if you do. Is that too much to ask?

Yes, it is. Asshole.

"I'm Just a Teenage Dirtbag," Asshole

Teen angst? Not for Daria, who is adjusting attitude, one teenage asshole at a time (and rightfully so!). You go, Daria!

http://valleywag.com/361100/new-york-editors-confuse-tech+blog-readers-with-teenage-girls

Aren't we supposed to be in a recession, assholes? Why are you advocating that teenage girls demand their parents buy them $400 iPhones (and don't get me started on the crappy contracts AT&T/cingular/whatever it's called is offering with their monopoly on them)? I am so glad I am no longer a teenage girl. I don't think I could even begin to keep up with the fact that I would constantly have to text "Where R U?" to my friends, take pictures (with a camera so small keeping track of it is a time drain in itself) for my MySpace/Facebook/Tumblr page, be an expert at Guitar Hero (without it being obvious that I spend all my free time practicing), and manage my small business (what's that? Most teens don't have small business empires to manage? My bad, I was just siding with Hilary Duff's "Team BlackBerry" killer argument).

Maybe Seventeen should spend less time teaching girls about conspicuous consumption and more time inserting random education factoids in their 'zine so we don't have to read articles like this: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/27/us/27history.html?ref=todayspaper. "Fewer than half of American teenagers who were asked basic history and literature questions in a phone survey knew when the Civil War was fought, and one in four said Columbus sailed to the New World some time after 1750, not in 1492." I realize that inserting Columbus details into the average teen-oriented magazine will not sell ad dollars and help keep the flailing print industry afloat, but I just can't get on board with the fact that the average teenage girl probably knows more facts about the MacBook Air than the suffrage movement that earned them the right to vote.

Seriously, assholes, maybe next time you have a section pimping out the latest technology, insert at least one somewhat educational/informative website into the mix. Or teach your readers how to read a financial report – or any newspaper at all – so they realize that now is not the time to be asking their parents for anything but hybrid cars (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/27/business/27gas.html?ref=todayspaper).

How Assholes Pass the Time

I have decided to take portions of online dating profiles and mock them.

Why? Certainly NOT because I'm mean or heartless. Simply because I'm an asshole... and need to share my joy and entertainment with the world! No one should laugh this hard alone. With that said, I'd like to introduce what will be a continuing series of posts tentatively titled 'How Assholes Pass the Time,' with a quote from my beloved, Daria:

Daria: What has two cheeks and a gaping hole in between?

These assholes!

(i'm not sure where i was going with that)

Daria may be suffering from from a mild case of misdirection, but I'm not. Ladies, grab a friend and a kleenex (no one likes to be the asshole with mascara running down their cheeks, even as the byproduct of uncontrollable laughter.)

Enticing the Online Dater:

In an effort to better understand the ever changing world around us, to substantiate evidence supporting my theories on life and love, and of course, to further entertain myself in all areas online dating, I give you: De-Coding the Psyche of the Personal Profile, an in depth look at New York’s most eligible e-bachelors! Ladies, rev your hard drives, these puppies are out and ready to romp!

Notice the sincerity as e-bachelor number one attempts to separate himself from the e-crowd:

About Me

Definitely not your regular button down and black shoes kinda guy. Skiiing in the winter, parties in the summer, Ill never pass over a good dance party whether in my apartment or out with friends. I am very social and outgoing love to meet new people and do new things. Not sure what I am looking for considering work takes up most of my time, but you never know.

You’re absolutely right, darling. Skiing in the winter and parties in the summer really set you apart from that whole ‘regular button down and black shoes kinda guy.’ Speaking of which, would you care to elaborate on that point? I must have missed the memo [characterizing this stereotype] regarding the ‘typical’ guy and his penchant for button downs (I’d like to see some more specificity here) and black shoes (yep, same game here.) But ladies, if he didn’t have you at winter ski sessions and summer partayinggggggg, then perhaps his weakness for at home dance parties can pummel your heart. You see that, he’s always game to bust a move, Young MC. This strapping young e-lad leaves us begging for more; so few answers, so many questions: what KIND of black shoes? Break dancing or ballroom? How big is your apartment dance floor? Are these dance parties regular (dance, dance revolution SO, does not count.) This fella knows how to keep me begging for more. No more. Nexxxxxxt.

E-bachelor number two really knows how to set the tone:

I am looking for a:

Being that I am somewhat of a chameleon, Id like to find someone similar. Comfortable in all situations, able to have fun anywhere no matter how "bad this place is". Someone who will reciprocate the energy that I bring everyday.

According to Wikipedia, chameleons ‘have head or facial ornamentation, such as nasal protrusions, or horn-like projections or large crests on top of their head.’ Insert Jewish Horn Joke here. Insert Jewish nasal voice joke here. Oh, and why would you take someone out on a shitty first date to an atmosphere prefaced with “no matter how bad this place is?” To test their chameleon-ality? The only energy I’d reciprocate is stamina: how long will it take him to notice that when I said “ladies room,” I actually ment, “peace out, brotha!” Nexxxxt.

More on this and other adventures in online dating to follow. Til then, watch your asshole. You never know who's lurking in between the [web] pages of your [internet] browser.

The Art of The Asshole

To Whom It May Concern:

The sheer genius of the asshole blog isn’t a concept entirely outside the realm of your grasp. Listen up, Mary Sunshine. This isn’t your grandmother’s blog. If indeed you are constantly happy, always smiling and abstain from the use of any negatively conotated phrase, including appellations such as asshole or douche bag, quite frankly not only is this blog not for you, we actually discourage your kind from bearing witness to such pearls of wisdom. That’s right. You’re not worthy. Wait. You’re not going to cry, are you? Suck it up, asshole. This is the real world; so, our suggestion is that you best get busy understanding the asshole within and identifying the asshole throughout. There are few things upon which we can rely in these crazy times, but one fact reigns true. If you can’t identify the asshole in your life, than that’s right. It’s pretty simple. You’re it. Asshole.

All the best,

The Management

Daria:uh oh

i sent my friend the office assholes list without teling her we wrote it

and she says she doesnt' like it b/c it's compeltely engative

Gisele: PEOPLE

say that to me

and it pisses me off

honestly

fuck that

Daria:like of COURSE it's negative

Gisele: if you can't appreciate asshoels than you are an asshole

Daria:if it was all about rainbows and butterflies, then it would be BORING

and UNTRUE

Gisele: i think im going to write that one next

EXACTLY

and that's life bitches

get a grip

or a valium

Daria:that's why it' son the asshole of the day blog

Gisele: so stop bitching to us

YES

Daria:and not the "these people should be cannonized" blog

Gisele: and if you can't identify an asshole in your life

than you're it

ASSHOLE

Daria:YES

Daria:ah it's spelled canonized

Daria:<---asshole

Independent Assholes and Delusions of Grandeur…or ‘Jeffersonian Revolutions’

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/02/24/nader.politics/index.html

Time out, Zach Morris style. Look who is drinking the campaign ’08, kool aid. That’s right, people. None other than our favorite political juggernaut, Ralph Nader! Personally I think he was sent here by some forward-thinking democrat with a deep-seated desire to revamp the whole Bonnie and Clyde thing with our favorite, ground breaking democratic non-duo, Clinton and Obama. This has conspiracy written ALL over it. According to CNN.com:

"He thought that there was no difference between Al Gore and George Bush and, eight years later, I think people realize that Ralph did not know what he was talking about," Sen. Barack Obama said a town hall meeting Sunday.

Calling Nader's move "very unfortunate," Sen. Hillary Clinton told reporters, "I remember when he ran before. It didn't turn out very well for anybody -- especially our country."

Isn’t that sweet; yet another issue upon which our indistinguishable democratic candidates concur. But let us return to the tour de force that is Ralph Nader’s attempt at “Jeffersonian Revolution.”

“Nader said Thomas Jefferson believed that "when you lose your government, you've got to go into the electoral arena."

"A Jeffersonian revolution is needed in this country," he said.”

Hey Nader, thanks for the memories, but quite frankly, you’re 8 years late and an economic recession short, asshole.

Newsworthy Asshole of The Week

Anderson Cooper does it again! He's the crime fighting news anchor, in hot pursuit of assholes suffering from media overexposure. Anderson, you continue to ASStound us:

Really?! Is Roger Clemens really the most important topic a House
Committee should be discussing? It is phenomonally amazing to me when
we have billions and billions being spent in a losing war, gas prices
that would make Donald Trump poor and a housing market crisis that
baseball is really the most important topic our representatives can
find to discuss.

I don't know if you have seen any video footage, but these assholes
are better than Days of Our Lives. "You were my hero"... "I don't
know what to believe anymore" can be heard being uttered at the
"hearing." Couldn't it just be they don't know how to solve real
problems and instead are focusing on a media firestorm story to get
their faces in the news.

Instead of talking about who was at Jose Canseco's party why aren't
they talking about immigration and how to over take Cuba? As they
jockey for position (note the head of the committee pounding his gavel
as often as possible to prove his penis is bigger than anyone else's
in the room) and face time I can only wonder if Barry Bonds, Andy
Petite and the other hundreds of players accused in the Mitchell
Report are laughing in the corner of the locker room...assholes.

As Always Make It A Great Day. Or not. The Choice Is Yours, Assholes.

Daria SexeS it Up. That's Right, Palendromic Styles, Assholes

Daria on the Tween Libido. If chastity is a virtue, than she is virtue-less!

But, if being a contributing commentator on GAWKER is a virtue, she kicks asshole! Congrats, Morgandoffer. On behalf of assholes everywhere, we salute your beauty, sarcasm, wit, humor and naturally, your innate appreciation and understanding for the finer assholes in life.

http://men.style.com/details/blogs/thegadabout/2008/02/the-total-aweso.html#more

I just don't understand why sex has to be such an all-or-nothing issue for teenage celebrities. I think the Jonas brothers are cute – although their pants are a touch on the tight side – and while I can't say I know a lot of their music, I have a fondness for them that stems from their being from a town near my hometown in northern New Jersey, and the fact that they remind me of the Hanson brothers from my own tweenage years. So I'd like to take this opportunity to both chastise them for coming off as pompous assholes (thinking that paparazzi shots of them turn into "where's Waldo" searches for their purity rings) and offer them some advice.

Tween and teen celebs should be just that: celebrities. I realize that their fans develop intense fascinations with them and want to know about their personal lives, but can't they (and this goes for you too, Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus) realize that they don't need to overshare when it comes to matters of the sexual sort? Just do your business in private and keep it just that: PRIVATE. When celebrities like the Jonas Brothers speak out about their "purity" and "chastity vows" all it does is leave them ripe for mocking and abuse if/when they do get caught breaking said vow. They're teenagers and they're going to want to have sex (thank you, Coach Carr in Mean Girls for teaching us this). By all means, go for it, but learn from Jamie Lynn Spears and Juno and wrap it up, Jo Bros. Also learn from her sister, who we all remember very publicly announcing that she remained a virgin despite her relationship with Justin Timberlake and now faces allegations from many a lad from her high school days saying he conquered that land long before JT. And my god, boys, do you really think that when some little 17 year old has you all hot and bothered, some ring on your finger will make you think twice? No, Assholes, it won't. Whether or not you keep it in your pants 'til marriage is your decision, but don't inform the American public at large about it

Common Office Assholes: A Bundorffer Production

No introduction necessary. Watch out, Carl Linnaeus. We're taking taxonomy to a whole new level of epic asshole proportions! Brace yourselves!

The Overly Nice Asshole

• Will ALWAYS ask how your weekend was. And your Monday night. And Tuesday night. And every minute of every day after that. Hey, Asshole, leave me alone.
• Compliments your clothes/some aspect of your appearance even if you come to work covered in pigeon shit and have suddenly had a leprosy outbreak.
• Thanks you profusely for every little thing. You’re so welcome for that tissue/piece of paper/pen/roundhouse kick to the face, Asshole!

Confuses the Words “Take” and “Borrow” Asshole

• Asks to “borrow” unreturnable items including stamps, paper, and your dignity

Couldn’t Care Less That You’re Alive Asshole

• Doesn’t acknowledge your existence. Ever.
• If there were a fire in the building, would most likely rescue his/her labelmaker/BlackBerry (depending on how important he/she is in the company) before letting you know.

Inappropriate/Overshare Email Asshole

• Thinks it’s ok to forward links from their fraternity listserve to the office
• Let’s you know that he/she was not at that meeting yesterday due to a combination of irritable bowel syndrome, PMS, projectile vomiting, and herpes
• Believes you want to have your computer screen “cleaned” by that stupid pug dog on that website that “licks” your screen. NO THANKS, ASSHOLE.

Let's and by “Let's” I Mean “We” and by “We” I mean “You” Asshole

• Here's an idea--do it yourself, ASSHOLE. The shitty idea was yours to begin with and I certainly do not want my name on what most likely will be shot down, mocked, or snuffed by people who respect you as much as they do the office food supplies--it's all good until there is nothing left to give, then you're dumped.

The Blogging Asshole

• Appears innocuous because he/she always smiles graciously, but is secretly judging/blogging about you right now (note: the authors of this list are this type of asshole and PROUD OF IT).

Thinks You Two are Actually Friends Outside of the Office Asshole

• Actually thinks you are his/her friend. Tries to tell you about his/her life. Invites you out on the weekend.
• Warning: This person probably does not have any friends, so avoid getting sucked in and being that asshole. Do NOT give him/her your cell phone number. Or gmail handle. Seriously. We warned you.

The “Happy Friday!!!! (Smiley face/winky face emoticon)” Asshole

• Bakes cupcakes every Thursday night because tomorrow is Friday.
• Does not actually eat said cupcakes, merely gets some kind of sick joy from making them to “celebrate” Friday. Maybe my favorite dog died on a Friday, and I don’t want to celebrate that godawful day, all right, asshole???

Sucks SO MUCH at Life It’s Beyond Unclear How He/She is Still Living Asshole

• The name says it all. Why do you have to interact with this asshole on a daily basis? How did he/she manage to get hired?? Surely pro-life advocates would reverse their stance if they ever met this person.
• Caveat: Your friends who have never met this person will refuse to listen to you tell stories about how much said person sucks because he/she sucks so much that even stories about how much they suck end up sucking.

The Intraoffice Competitive Peer Asshole

• Yes, we're the same age. That means born in the same year. OH SO FUNNY, you thought you were the youngest person in the office? Really? That's what you spend your time thinking about. Hooray for you! Just because we, as fate would have it, are peers, we are not by any means in the same place in life. So all that time you spend trying to one up me, throw a fast one by me, and kiss ass, Ms. starved for attention, remember this: I'm more intelligent, likable and creative than you are--so you may as well stop wasting your time. Cheers!
• P.S. You're not going to cry now are you? Oh. You are? Awesome. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen, brownnosing asshole! I’ll have the office manager order you some tissues the next time she gets supplies.

Takes Reading Material into the Bathroom [where he will be wiping his] Asshole

• The writer of this list cannot believe she actually witnessed this. But it did, in fact, happen.
• Not only did the offender take reading material into the bathroom, he took Kodaks to proof that would then be passed along to other members of the editorial team. Someone flag those Kodaks, Brentano’s-on-Seinfeld style. They’ve been alarmingly close to this asshole’s asshole.

Halitosis Asshole

• BRUSH YOUR TEETH, ASSHOLE. And when I offer you gum, it’s a hint, not a gesture.

The Hour-Late Everyday Yet Somehow Manages Not to Get Caught Asshole

• Bitch comes in at least an hour late every day, yet the ONE FREAKING TIME you are FIVE MINUTES LATE because of circumstances beyond your control, your boss shoots you an email chastising you for your tardiness.

Doesn’t Respond to your Non-Work-Related Email Asshole

• As you can see, we are surrounded by a bubble of assholosity at the office. Therefore, we often find ourselves turning to outside sources of entertainment via our non-work email account. Sometimes we think we have built up a nice rapport with a non-work-related email contact, but apparently we were wrong. You have hurt us, non-work-related email “friend.” You have hurt us real bad.

Constantly References College Asshole

• OMG, you went to college!??! No way!!!!!!! So did I!!!!!! Wait, you went to parties there? And drank lots of alcohol? And participated in ridiculous light-hearted frivolity similar to that seen in Animal House, Van Wilder, Old School, and every other cliché college movie ever!?!??! Wow, you are awesome. Clearly my college experience pales in comparison to yours. Can I touch you? No? I am so unworthy.
• Please continue to try to one-up me any time I mistakenly mention doing something in college. I only brought it up that one time because we were discussing cheesesteaks and I happened to go to school in Philadelphia. And to be fair, I only brought up Philadelphia, not the school I attended there. You were the one who took it to the “well the regional fare at MY school…” level. Otherwise, I am never this type of asshole, and you should strive not to be, either.

The Asshole Who Thinks He’s the Boss but He’s Not

• Personal hero: Dwight Shrute

Talks Wayyyyy Too Loudly Asshole

• You sit two rows of cubicles over, yet somehow I know every detail of your recent trip to Ireland, that you watch American Idol (and think that some guy named John is “going all the way”), and your mother’s recent cruise to Aruba. SHUT THE HELL UP, ASSHOLE.

The King of Assistants Asshole

• Personal hero: Jack Donaghy’s Assistant

The “Hey! I’m an all-around crazy, cool cat so EVERYONE in the office likes me…I think…” Asshole

• Do me a favor and let’s get something straight here, son. You’re not here to win a high school superlative; you’re here to do a job. I know, it was a shocker for me, too. So do us all a favor and relax with the interoffice social campaign, Mr. looking for love in all the wrong places. There isn’t anything you can do, because anyone who’s worth a dime thinks you’re poor excuse for human being; professionally AND socially. Oh yeah, and a total asshole
  

The Scheming Strategist Asshole

• Milton Bradley created games for leisure. So while you’re double talking and ass kissing to furtively confirm your suspicions that it was indeed the professor with the steak knife in the library who slaughtered your self-respect; I’ll be doing my work and getting out of here in hopes of being a “real boy,” Pinocchio. The only thing worse than the two faced schemer, is the two faced schemer who strategizes. So, PROCEED WITH CAUTION, schemer and climb the latter like everyone else…or, risk taking a big fall, asshole!

Gossiping Assholes

• Maybe it’s your prerogative, Bobby Brown, but the rest of us are really, “just not that into you,” or, for that matter, the unnecessary pieces of information you’re passing along…unless of course you know which account exec. inadvertently made out with a trannie at last month’s happy hour. So when ‘Everybody's talking all this stuff,’ Bobby, ‘everybody’ also knows it came straight from the horse’s mouth…and that’s being kind. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. But if you’re spreading the word re: heat in kitchen, you’re an asshole.

“I’m Not That Innocent” Asshole

• “Hi, I’m Mary Jane. Just moved into the big city from Minnesota. I’m a Delta Nu who enjoys sunny days sweeping the clouds away, on my way to where the air is clean. Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”
• “Hey, Mary. Mr. Rogers called. He wants his faux sincerity back. And while you’re at it, Mary, holier than now only works when you’re not ‘secretly’ sleeping around with half the accounting department and a third of production. Yeah, secret’s out and the jig is up, asshole (thanks for the tip, gossiping asshole!).”

Thinks She Discovered PerezHilton/PinkistheNewBlog/Insert Other Celebrity-Bashing Blog Here Asshole

• What, Asshole? You read on this “great new website called PerezHilton.com” that Pink and her husband are getting divorced? You’re asking me if I’ve seen the site before? It’s funny? He’s kind of a douche with weird-colored hair? Wow, someone tell the Times about this so they can profile him in the Styles section. Oh wait, they already did and it is no longer 2001, ASSHOLE. Come talk to me when you have somewhat new/recent/relevant information. Actually, now that I think about it, it’d be better if you didn’t talk to me at all.

It's Daria's World, And We're Just Living in it, Asshole

http://www.observer.com/2008/gym-pets?page=0%2C0

Thank god someone finally admitted to thinking about this subject because for the longest time, I couldn't tell if I was the asshole or my yoga teacher was. In my experience during 5 years of yoga classes at two different studios (one in Philly, one in New York), how a teacher responds to you before, during, and after class is a multifaceted, multi-factor equation.

1. Are you a returning student?

If a teacher recognizes that you have been attending his or her class for a few weeks now, chances are he or she will introduce him/herself to you or ask for your name. Even if the teacher does this, it does not guarantee an in-class (or out-of-class, but more on that later) friendship. The teacher has to get a read on whether or not you are someone who wants to be assisted/stretched further/molded into certain poses. Sometimes this read is incorrect, but usually I deem myself the asshole in those situations. I tend to scowl a lot during yoga since it's hot and sweaty, and I'm sure the teacher often interprets this as a "Leave Me Alone" sign. In this case, I will fully admit to being the asshole.

2. How old are you and do you appear to be an advanced practitioner?

In my experience, teachers are more apt to befriend students who are a bit older than I am and appear to have practiced yoga for quite some time. Chances are that the teacher probably has the same skill level, or even possibly less, than an advanced yogi in his/her thirties/forties/fifties (on another note, I hope I can still do yoga when I'm 50). If this is the case, the teacher often befriends the student out of his or her own insecurity to appear on the same level.

3. Do the teacher and the student(s) in question have another job in which they are co-workers?

Seriously, I mean it. It appears that the majority of the students in one particular teacher's class actually work with her at some company whose name I have yet to ascertain. Until I seek employment at this company, I guess I'm the out-of-the-loop, unfriendly, young asshole in the back right of the studio.

It's hard enough to drag yourself to a particular class at the gym, but it's even harder to haul yourself into one where you know you won't be the teacher's pet. Given our need to please, it's nice to know that we're not always the assholes in this situation. We all know that it's nearly impossible for a mother to love all her children equally. Apparently the same goes in gym class.

Age Before Beauty, Asshole

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/20/us/politics/20elect.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&hp

Going against my better judgment in keeping undertones of the current political climate OUT of the asshole blog, today, I simply could not resist. A lovely defense lawyer on her choice to make the switch from Clinton to Obama, as quoted from the NYT:

“Some elderly women I’ve heard say, ‘I want to see a woman president before I die,’ and I know that’s why some of them are supporting Hillary,” Ms. Liedtke said in an interview after seeing Mr. Obama last weekend in her town.

“But you know what? That’s a selfish reason to vote for a president just because you want to see a woman before you die,” she added. “What about the kids coming up? I feel we should vote for the young people.”

Yes, Ms. Liedtke, I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment and rationalization for voting for the ‘young people,’ voting for ‘the kids coming up,’ voting for Obama. When I think about the status quo of our fair country, I say to myself, “Self, there is only one distinct solution to problems like economic recession and war, only one real remedy capable of cleaning up the mess of administrations past and creating a new mess for establishments of the future.”

Let’s do it the Liedtke way, and just ‘…vote for the young people.’ Who needs experience, anyway? Or old people for that matter! Let’s hold hands and walk this road together, blindly, as we chant and cross our fingers. I mean, international diplomacy will totally work itself out, right? Look at Posh and Becks—they’re international. And amidst the harsh rumors of scandal and deceit, they stayed together. Duh, diplomacy! AND, they now live in harmony, that’s right, in the good ole U-S-A!

Whitney said it best and I concur, I believe the children are our future. But hey, Liedtke, check yourself, before you wreck yourself. While I’m all for handing down crucial decisions like disarming transnational dictators, funding international disasters also known as war, and reestablishing our reputation and primacy as THE global superpower, what I’m not down for is putting all my eggs in the theoretical basket of a ‘young person,’ neither because they’re ‘young,’ nor for the ‘kids coming up.’ Do you know what kids do when they find themselves in trouble—and trouble ranges from laundry, to bills and the road of self discovery: that’s right, Liedtke. They call their parents. Why? Because they feel compelled to consult an adult with a broader range of life experiences to, if you will, ‘school them.’ Or simply, to save their ass. Right now, I think it’s pretty safe to say that our country’s ass needs quite a bit of saving. So, let’s do the logical thing and promote the purity of youth and innocence—let’s do it for the kids, baby, yeah! Judgments like these shouldn’t be left to petty details like gender and ethnicity bias, they should totally be determined by number of wrinkles in your crows feet, grays in your hair, photographs of you in those water filled platforms (with the little goldfish), workin’ it, workin’ it, ownin’ it at Studio 54.

I know I heard this somewhere, but isn’t it best to vote on the issues or something? Is charisma and rhetoric enough to restore the eminence that was once ours? So Liedtke, I salute you—let’s do it your way. POWER to the youth! I’m totally writing in Mary Kate and Ashley for Prez—I mean, their global prowess and business savvy as mini moguls and kiddie stars make them a perfect fit for the US presidency, Liedtke styles—AND just like Bill and Hill, we’re getting a twofer—the idyllic angel/devil duo (which is much more obvious with MK’s hair hues—brunettes are SO emancipated this spring.) Just think…their taste will do WONDERS with that Oval Office. But such begs the question, can we really trust our youth (yeah…I was thinking the same thing…why did Heath’s masseur call her three times, anyway?) to lead? Maybe…on Lifetime movies and reality series.

Liedtke, darling, when it comes to the presidency, I think fondly of a line favored by my own [very striking, might I add,] mother: Age before beauty, Asshole!

Ano's and The Assholes Who Rub Them

Dear Daria,

Thank you for bringing this worthy article to my attention! And of course, for enlightening the masses on the (newly patented) 'Ano Rub.'

I love you, Gisele

http://jezebel.com/358155/elle-reveals-men-actually-think-anorexia-is-sexy

Spring in on its way, and personally, I’m excited. Love is in the air, retailers are practically giving away last seasons outwear, and most importantly during the months leading up to summer, anorexics are kickin’ it into high gear. That’s right folks, skin [and bones] is in! Remember when your guidance counselor told you that the waif look only worked for Kate Moss? Lies. ALL LIES. Jezebel did a fine job confronting what we all think, and only sometimes say, by choosing to highlight one woman’s social experience pre and post Kayne’s workout plan. It must have taken a rocket scientist to figure this one out:

"Many men, I quickly learned, really do like frighteningly lean women, whatever they may claim to the controversy. As an average, medium-size young woman, I was unremarkable, innocuous. As a skinny slip of a thing, I was something of a sensation. In restaurants and at parties, men flirted at me extravagantly."

Gee whiz. I’ve been totally sold on the notion that fat chicks get all the love. I feel so betrayed, society! I’m going back to my notorious diggs—[think nasal voices, tiny pooches decked to the nines, Chanel rubber thongs, Cartier collections, uninspired conformity!] to knock on every apartment door and thrust myself at inhabiting ano’s—I figure, maybe if I rub up against it, I can catch it, Ben Lee styles. And if not, I’ll just be me. Take it or leave it, Assholes.

Extended Weekend Update

Our lovely Daria Morgandoffer with the extended weekend update on why bigger IS indeed, better... Assholes:

http://jezebel.com/356175/dear-women-dudes-are-repulsed-by-your-huge-hooves

This may not be the best thing to admit on the Internet, but hey, why not: I've been wearing adult-size shoes since kindergarten. There, I said it. My father has size 15s (a fact that always earned him respect in the business world when he briefly lived in Hong Kong…seriously), and his mother was apparently a size 12. There was clearly no hope that I'd be marching around on anything besides boats/snow shoes/insert another Bigfoot analogy here for my entire life. While I'm fairly sensitive about my big feet, my friends and family assure me that since I'm 5'9, they're not too big for my body. At least all the hormones they pump into our food has given me some fellow bigfoots to take comfort in (I'm talking to you, Paris Hilton, whose similar-sized feet are her one redeeming feature, in my opinion).

This study, which found that men find women with smaller feet – and more symmetrical facial features – more attractive, is just plain sad and superfluous. Are we not a society that praises models who are above 5'8 and somewhat alien-looking above all else? Imagine one of said models stomping down the runway during Fashion Week on size 5 feet because, according to the results of this study, that's what people will find most "attractive" (and attractiveness sells clothes). Said model would look absurd and like she was about to topple over. Your feet should be in proportion to your body, people. Remember the scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts informs Richard Gere that our feet are the same size as our forearms (the distance from your wrist to your elbow)? Imagine a 5'10 woman with size 6 feet. You'd think her arms were freakishly short. I don't think men would find a woman with oddly short forearms more attractive because of her small feet. They'd be too focused on her weird arms. Of course, this fact would make them assholes for a whole other superficial reason. According to the study, I should be considering a move to Tanzania, where apparently the men appreciate proper body proportions…I wouldn't stand out there for other reasons or anything. A girl just can't win, assholes.

Mind Your Own Business, Asshole!

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120304303081570707.html?mod=hpp_us_pageone

As if poor Britney didn’t have enough to worry about; they’ve taken her children, her self respect, her sanity and now THIS!

“A few years ago, after using a filthy gas-station bathroom strewn with soggy toilet paper, Matthew Fulkerson dried his hands under a wall-mounted blower. Then he realized he was trapped: How to leave without touching the door handle? "Everything is focused on clean hands as you exit," he says. "But then someone else doesn't wash their hands and you have to touch the same door handle."

So, in 2005, he invented the SanitGrasp, an L-shaped handle open at the top that can be pulled with the forearm or wrist.”

If Brit Brit can’t rely on running barefoot into a dirty gas-station and grabbing hold of tainted doorknob, Page Six is going to have a SERIOUS problem on their hands.

Her kiddies are totally screwed, Matt Fulkerson. Way to be the asshole that redirects the tabloid spotlight— Jayden James and Sean Preston on the invention of dirty doorknob sanitizer: “The dirty doorknob sanitizer is bad for business. Do us a favor and stick to those disgusting hand sanitizers, Asshole.”

WOW—those tykes learn quick!

Nepotism and The Asshole: A Match Made In Socialist Heaven

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120299033830568239.html?mod=hpp_europe_whats_news

I can always count on The Journal to satiate my hunger for commie nepotism—An excerpt, if you will:

The News: Russia’s Vladimir Putin said he hopes to serve for years as prime minister under protégé Dmitry Medvedev [note the shagadellic undertones, Austin Powers: Dr. Evil and Number 2 at their finest], who is virtually certain [rigged elections rock! Especially when they’re presidential. Thank GOD for government regulated media] to win the presidency in next month’s elections.

The Background: The Russian constitution prevents the popular president from running again, but Mr. Medvedev has already promised to make Mr. Putin prime minister [There’s no right way to do the wronnnng thang, Mr. Med]

What it Means: Mr. Putin may be able to maintain a significant amount of political power over a long period.

Democracy is totally overrated, right, Socialist assholes?

The Assholes of Interdietary Dating Standards

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/13/dining/13incompatible.html

There is nothing I love more than a vegetarian on a power trip. Seriously. Let’s find more ways to complicate the dating process by interjecting our personal diets as determinants in our romantic lives. According to an article in today’s NYT, “The culinary camps have become so balkanized that some factions consider interdietary dating taboo.”

“I went out with one guy who said I seemed really great but he liked bread too much to date me,” said Ms. James, 41, a writer in Seattle who cannot eat gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye…Ben Abdalla, 42, a real estate agent in Boca Raton, Fla., said he preferred to date fellow vegetarians because meat eaters smell bad and have low energy.”

This IS a joke, right? Why can’t we all just get along—what happened to a world where carnivores and herbivores held hands and dined together in harmony, sans nutritional judgment? Who published the treatise justifying this rationale: do vegimites and meat eaters truly equate to a romantic disaster of taxonomic proportions? Clearly ‘interdietary dating’ isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s no wonder we’ve all become habitual substance abusers. Whatever happened to Kumbayah Billy Joel style, “I love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE”? We’ve suddenly morphed into a society of, “I love you just the way you are…when you’re ingesting gluten free soy patties?” Ew, Asshole. Nevertheless, I personally think these new eating criterion have done wonders for our cultural self esteem standards:

“Since then, Mr. Ahern has given up eating bread at home, though he still eats it when he goes out. For her part, Ms. James has begun eating offal and foie gras, which were once anathema. ‘We’ve changed each other,’ she said.”

That is what EVERY little girl dreams of; a man who will take her out to dictate and scrutinize her eating habits, one dollop of hummus at a time. I think Dr. Phil [huge, bald asshole] may have something to say about the whole ‘let’s change each other’ premise. Again, it all goes back to my man Billy, “Don't go changing, to try and please me…” The world’s stage would SO be a better a place if we were all credited cast members in “I’m Moving Out.”

But when all else fails, those assholes at eHarmony’s are here and insincere; ready to regulate! Thanks for the totally obscure tips, eHarmony. I really would never have guessed that it would be unattractive to have ‘corn smashed all over my face.’ Good thing Al Gore invented the internet and you were here to set me straight:

http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=1900

RULE #1: To avoid embarrassment when flashing those pearly whites, avoid clingy, leafy greens such as spinach, seaweed and mint.

RULE#2: Corn on the cob is famously messy, and while it’s a barbeque staple, this cylindrical side should be avoided when you are trying to make a good impression. Like those leafy greens, corn kernels are guaranteed to get lodged in your teeth, and you can’t help but end up with butter and corn smashed all over your face. (Ladies, you may or may not know this, but corn on the cob tends to smear lipstick.)

While corn on the cob is something to be avoided for the aforementioned reasons, it’s even worse when you indulge in elote – the Mexican-style cob that’s slathered in mayo, rolled in cheese and covered with chili powder. A mere taste will result in a face fiesta from nose to chin.

Note to self: EW. You know who eats MEXICAN STYLE corn on the cob? Nasty Assholes.

RULE#3: Poppy, strawberry and sesame seeds find lodging in every tooth cranny. Hard to miss and even harder to remove, these culprits will have your date staring at your freckled teeth with embarrassment.

RULE #4: From shrimp in the shell to crab legs and lobster, the sight of cracking, ripping and gouging these alien-looking aliments with a plastic bib and butter-covered face is likely to be a turnoff (especially if your date is a vegetarian).

RULE#5: Ribs turn you into a sauce-covered carnivore that’s just plain messy. Inevitably, you are stuck with the barbeque condiment plastered around your mouth, making you look like a menacing clown. [Just the look I was going for, ASSHOLE!] The discarded pile of bones seems is reminiscent of a cemetery—the farthest from romance you can get.

RULE #6: Beans A double whammy—the musical fruit also finds a way to cover your shiny tooth, creating little bean jackets. Unless you like looking like a jack-o’-lantern, you should pass on these gas-inducing legumes.

RULE#7: Cheese Ripe cheeses have a way of lingering on the palate, resulting in a rancid mixture of sour milk and dirty laundry. Reach for some fruit to push that unpleasant smell away, or just avoid it altogether.

RULE#8: Garlic and Onions Most of us know to steer clear of this duo, but it’s hard to do when sometimes it’s hidden as a flavor-enhancing ingredient. Raw onions are worse than cooked, with a lingering punch that is much harder to get rid of. On the same note, garlic keeps vampires and good-night kisses at bay.

No shit, Assholes. And by the way, kissing on the first date is SO last year. Word on the street is that ‘giving cheek,’ is all the rage. Calling all first-daters, hording garlic bread and onion soup is A-OK for round 1. Kickin’ breath is cool. Stank Assholes.

Newsworthy Asshole of The Week

Just when I think he can’t get any better, Anderson Cooper goes ahead and proves me wrong. This Newsworthy Asshole defies introduction—simply amazing, Anderson—your work continues to astound me. With that, I present to you, Anderson’s kick ass pick for Newsworthy Asshole of the Week:

C-Hole

This week we examine one of the entertainment industry's iconic
figures and her slip of the tongue on the Today Show. While being
interviewed by Meredith Viera...one of my cougar crushes...the one and
only Jane Fonda let what seems to be the word most hated by Americans,
specifically women, slip out of her mouth. Cunt. (Yeah, I said it)

As I looked further into this situation I found Ms. Fonda, who has the
ultimate honor of being included in Sir Mix Alot's "Baby Got Back,"
was being interviewed about none other than the Vagina Monologues.
Call me crazy, but is it so far off that when you are talking about
the "dark side" and more to the point an entire production about Vag
to utter a word closely related?

What is more offensive and an asshole move is Today's caption under
the photo from the show that reads..."Jane Fonda uses a euphemism for
a woman's sexual organs on the Today show Thursday." SEXUAL ORGANS!?
I prefer not to think of that specific region at all, but
seriously...call it cunt, vag, snatch, beefgina, meatcurtains,
cockwash, cooter, coochie, muff, poontang or twat before Sexual
Organs.

So, America blaming the former Mrs. Ted Turner for uttering my
favorite attention getting word...cunt...is silly. Instead I point
the finger to all of you assholes who make such a big deal out of it
while the word pussy is more acceptable. Yuck, assholes.

As Always America, make it a great day...or don't. The choice is yours, Asshole.

Assholes Incognito?

When you give an inch, and they take a mile, should you be suspect of lurking asshole? Oh, the joys of, sing it with me Gloria, everlasting loooooveee.

Michael Clayton: when u posting mine

me: right now!!

me: check it son

Michael Clayton: k

me: now ill re read and edit
im sad
too much pressure i guess?
not as eloquent as i would have liked to have been

Michael Clayton: its good
i re-read mine
WOW

me: see this is the problem--im best
in a natural stream of consciousness
and i had so many good things
and boom
over

Michael Clayton: did i best you

me: player please
i wouldnt go that far
one mediocre intro and its all over? i think not

Michael Clayton: dont flatter yourself sugar

me: too late
and for the record
shitty writing considered
it was a very lovely toast in your honor
asshole

Michael Clayton: lol

Michael Clayton: Who rules? You do

me: o'doyle rules

me: oh and me too.

Assholes in Love

You are not alone. Officemates around the country are trying to keep down lunch today. Discretion is the better part of valor, Valentines Assholes!

Daria Morgandoffer: omg people around me have started comparing their flowers
that they got from their lovers
where is a barf bag when i need it most

jobsie: someone just sent a secretary on my floor a BARBERSHOP QUARTET

me: asshole!

Judge Judy: the women who sits outside my office is wishing every friggin' person that walks by a happy valentine's day (and a happy almost friday) and quite frankly I'm surprised she hasn't made my head explode yet (there is still time)

Actually, LET the Door Hit You on the Way Out. Asshole!

There is nothing sexier than an angry attorney on an asshole tirade. So whilst my love, Michael Clayton, is hittin’ the slopes, scammin’ on ski bunny hunnies, I’ll just sit here and think of 897 ways we can celebrate Valentines Day upon his return. I’m totally the Whitney Houston to his body guarding Kevin Costner. (And I’m not even holding it against him that his little bro is Corey Hart [Activities: wearing sunglasses at night]). But we shall soon meet, where the streets have no name, Bono. Primarily because my little Tye Pennington is so handy that he can build them street signs and hammer that shit straight into the ground. Ladies, ladies, now, now…don’t be jealous. He’s just not that into you. We have a very Allman Brothers kind of crazy love—probably because he knows that I’m too bad to change. Either way, he wouldn’t try—he schooled Billy Joel and loves me just the way I am (or I are, Timbaland.) If ignorance is bliss, we’re both looking at a long road of misery ahead. He had me at, “If I were a doorman in your building with all those nasal voices, I’d pray to be deaf.” He’s not lacking for interpersonal communication skills, but isn’t afraid to call it like he sees it—except for in our case, where love is a double blind experiment. Literally. SO here’s to Michael Clayton: Michael, although you’re not exactly ‘geographically desirable,’ and clad in distinctively uncommon labels [Loro who?], I’m still totally stoked. It’s not everyday that Steve Winwood brings me a higher love who’s not afraid to break the rules…and smack an asshole every now and then. We’re the intense, neurotic match made in heaven (our horoscopes said so.) Two rights may not be able to make up for one wrong, but it pays to dream. Here’s to hoping he’s the real deal when I wake up: the one and only, Michael Clayton.

Caution: This is for practitioners of etiquette only; not those assholes who lack the tact and general conscience to have manners. And no, I couldn’t jam packed this post with any more Allman Brother’s lyrics if I tried. Well mannered? If not, then learn, ASSHOLE.

www.wikihow.com/Have-Manners

Asshole of the Day – Perhaps the week, or even the year as this happens every day

For the past two days, I have had the pleasure, nay the privilege of walking behind two wonderful women, by wonderful, I mean true assholes. Why are they assholes, well these two particular women failed to hold the door open for me as they walked into the complex that I call my office building. Nothing starts off your day like a bad experience. For instance, the asshole who thinks they can fit on the cattle car 4/5 train in the morning and then crushes you with their fat ass, or their 3 stomachs or better yet, their fake Louis Vuitton Bag that digs into your back.

Enough about my digression, back to the assholes of the day. I understand that these women were both secretaries, judging by their style of fashion and the scowls across their face as I walked fast enough to get a glimpse of these women in all of their pessimistic glory.

Then I thought to myself, why are these two non-door-holding women such miserable sour-pusses, and then it dawned on me: these are two secretaries, assistants in a PC world (fuck it, you answer a phone, you are a secretary as assistant implies that you are helpful and add value to the work environment) that have no ambition other than to stare at their computer surfing for crappy clothing or clothing that they can only afford the Canal Street Special.

Moreover, they probably work for people that make 2 to 5 times more than their annual salary and wish they could make as much but they have one problem: They don't want to take a chance at life and deal with real problems. Real problems imply something other than I cant find my favorite color lipstick in the morning or gossiping about nonsense like "I cant believe she made fun of my outfit when she has 3 stomachs (although some men find that attractive, I don't)" These sedentary secretaries are content with their simple life where they can check in in the morning and check out at 5 or 5:30 with their 1 hour lunch break and leave work in the office. Their job only comes home with them if they steal office supplies or get the boot from their boss.

I also thought to myself, if they are this miserable in their lack of manners and the disdain that they evoke in their pissy swagger, how can they be good at their job. After all, they are in the service business and they are supposed to evoke feelings of kindness and perhaps interest when someone calls to speak to their boss. They probably suck at their job and that's even worse as what could be worse than a person with no ambition who sucks at their job that requires no skill other than answering a phone and making photocopies. Unfortunately there are many assholes out there and many more of my perfect mornings will be ruined by these rude assholes.

Here's my suggestion assholes, say thank you now and again, pull up your spandex like pants that you shouldn't wear to the office so that your back tattoo which has begun to sag as your cellulite continues to grow from sitting on your fat ass at the office stuffing your face with crappy food from 9-5, and get some ambition, and for god sake, hold the fucking door open.

It's in the Stars, Asshole

Capricorn: Rise to the occasion and show what you can do. Certain people seem to be under the impression that you are too cautious to risk what you have gained and will play safe from now on. They're in for a shock. You've only just started on your march to total domination. Tomorrow the world.

Finally, someone who understands me. Horoscopes are self-fulfilling prophecies. Not for the faint of heart, asshole.

Eastern Asshole Influence

Random factoid of the day: Who knew? Japan celebrates Valentine's Day. Hm. And, husband members of, I believe it's called, the wife appreciation association? boldly step out to publicly declare love for their spouses. They literally find a platform upon which they stand and relentlessly scream bittersweet nothings in homage of their love bunnies. Seriously, into in microphone. In front of an audience. Thank youuuu Harry Smith for bringing this fascinating piece of international culture into my home last evening (http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/eveningnews/main3420.shtml click on “In Japan a Lesson on Love.”) In honor of eastern evolution, I think its appropriate at this juncture to suggest that our lovely friends should perhaps stick to what they know best: sashimi, any luxury good produced under the LVMH umbrella (Murakami is a genius!), homeopathic medical practices and cutting edge technology. And if those clichés weren’t enough for you: Arigato, Asshole.

Asshole VIPs

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/02/our_universally_terrible_doorm.html

Tenjune is SO last month. And hey--even doormen need love too, ASSHOLE!

Asshole? Lick This.

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB120287036186164289.html?mod=blog

Marketing genii everywhere are drooling over this scrumdittilyumptious initiative—In a Willy Wonka-esque fashion, advertisers have developed the “peel and lick” mag ad.

“Marketers are excited about the prospects for lickable ads, but also have to deal with the "ick" factor. Since magazines are often passed from reader to reader (think doctors' offices) there is a good chance that saliva could be left on the ad. Readers are supposed to peel off the entire sticker on the Welch's ad before licking, says First Flavor, the company that developed the technology used in the ad. If someone doesn't rip off the whole sticker, First Flavor says, the flap can't reseal, giving people an easy way to know whether the ad has already been licked.”

This has Paris Hilton written all over it. First she starts the sex video publicity craze, and now this-- a brand spanking new way of contracting transmittable disease. Regardless of which rocket scientist signed off on this, anyone who actually chooses to test this stroke of brilliance, please make sure to alert me--just DYING to know if “The raspberries taste like raspberries…the schnozberries taste like schnozberries!” By the way, when you do, I’m likely, if not absolutely going to respond: “EW! Asshole.”

Dear Neel Shah, Are you there? It's me, Gisele.

ATTENTION ASSHOLES! BREAKING NEWS: Our First CELEB Testimonial

http://alexbalk.tumblr.com/post/26250197

Neel Shah calls ‘em like he sees ‘em. Way to acknowledge the grand magnificence of the everyday asshole in your world, Neel Shah.

Emotionally Abused Assholes

Rainbow Bright: OMG. it was so an accident. and it's a small gash. ha

Enough Said.

Assholes in Denial

me: http://aholeoftheday.blogspot.com/2008/02/habitually-abused-assholes.html

id check that out

Sent at 3:34 PM on Wednesday

Rainbow Bright: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

my head has a gash on it

it was an accident

It may have been an accident, but it looks like someone (and by someone, I mean you, Rainbow Bright) is in denial.

When your boss physically abuses you, that's assault, brotha!!!! But when you defend your boss after he physically abuses you...well? That's just an asshole.

Habitually Abused Assholes

♫ Rainbow Bright: My boss just hit me in the head with his laptop. Seriously.

Pretty self explanatory. Abusive bosses and those who serve them dutifully: Assholes.

Assholes Travel by Way of Bridge AND Tunnel

EZ Pass was in full effect as local assholes overwhelmed the bridges and tunnels—that’s right, folks. No one likes to be tardy for a good head bob and air guitar to the rhythmic stylings of Bon Jovi, which took place last evening at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Sarah Silverman and I were among those lucky enough to get a taste of the action…I know, I know—you can almost smell the Curve for Men from here. And while gridlock suffocated the turnpike, I tore up the streets in a mad dash to the venue. Apparently, I didn’t get the memo: Snow + New York = No Cabs, Asshole.

But that’s OK—there is nothing I love more than sprinting in the stealth of a New York winter’s night in Frye boots; which, might I add, completely lack the traction necessary for hauling ass to Hammerstein. SO, it may come as no shock to you that, my pick for asshole(s) of the evening include the 34^th Street block of pedestrians —(from which I exempt a lovely thirtysomething named Ari who was [surprise, surprise] making his way home to Strong Island [in keeping with the evening’s guido tone] and took a moment of his time to inquire about my condition before schooling me on why he left his sell-out job running BB King’s record label—rest assured, he’s remembered why he ‘got in the game in the first place, man,’ and is currently working ‘for the love of the music, baby,’ YEAH!). Pedestrians who bear witness to the series of events leading up to one's physical (and thusly following in suit, emotional/psychological) demise, [and by demise I mean totally reckless sidewalk spill, note to self: slippery when wet] and stare blankly without offering help…THERE’S NOTHING TO SEE HERE, ASSHOLES!

Stay Tuned for the second installment of today’s series, Misadventures in the Land of Bridge and Tunnel: Chronicles of Sarah and Gisele Rocking The Hammerstein Ballroom.

Hormonal Assholes

http://jezebel.com/gossip/limp-swinging-dicks/trader-lawsuit-reveals-secret-to-13-billion-hedge-fund-riches-estrogen-pills-pretty-dresses-310193.php

This one goes out to all the hedge hoggers up in this joint--and gives a whole new meaning to the our favorite term of endearment, 'ball buster.' And despite my toiling, there is really no clever way to say it: A colleague who encourages you to change yourself to maintain a competitive edge in the workplace, is an asshole [who may or may not have a point]. But, a colleague who encourages you to hunt down 'female hormone pills in hopes they would make him a keener, more "feminine" trader but actually they just made him into a gay cross-dresser who couldn't have sex with his wife," is, say it with me now, a total douchebag. This guy just took competition in the workplace from cutthroat to deep throat. Hey Ru--you're in good company (pun intended), asshole.

Proceed with Caution, Asshole

Drew Barrymore—a breath of fresh air. The basis for my adoration is firmly rooted her steadfast resolve; she is living proof, that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Asshole. Drew will be updating us periodically in a series titled: Misadventures with Freaky Assholes. Reason #1,947 why she completes me.

it started way back in my younger years. washington dc. met jim
on the street walking back to foggy bottom. he asked if i had a
pedicure. i said no, why. he said that girls who had pedicures usually
kept everything...else... clean and tidy too. i was intrigued. i went
back to his apartment. he took pictures. i learned he was arab and his
real name was kareem but went by the all american, "jim." should have
been my first red flag.

but no. the red flag(s) didnt come until a few weeks later when me and
jim were "dating". he never told me his age or his last name. i
thought he was mysterious. should have been a red flag. but yet, no.

red flag finally came a few weeks later when, during one of our
physical and violent sexual experiences, he put his hand over my mouth
and pulled my air so hard it came out in a clump wrapped around his
fingers. Asphyxiation. he said. it enhances the sexual
experience, he said. RED FLAG FINALLY CAME.

Few years and experiences later, i met matt. He was leaving a bar. I
saw his back. his back looked like "my type". I slapped him. he
turned. i said "hi, i think we are going to be boyfriend and
girlfriend." A month later, I am at his apartment in Inwood (google
it). It was disgusting. literally, roach in kitchen. I felt a flag,
but it was more pink then red. A few hours later, we are in the
afterglow of sex. the quintessential after-sex conversation begins...
fantasies, do you like being tied up, all normal and kosher
conversation. but then. red flag. red, blazing, on-fire and still
smoking flag. he says, "have you ever thought about dressing up?"
Without a second thought i ask, "oh, like a sexy little girl or
something? a police officer?" "No.." Matt begins. "Not like a sexy
police officer... more like, well. some people.. {EDIT: SOME PEOPLE IE
MATT}.. some people like to dress up as animals" Hmm. okay. animals.
"So like, a sexy bunny?" please god. let it be a sexy bunny. "No...
more like, well for instance. I could be a bear, and you could be a
fox, so it wouldn't be like me having sex with you... but like a bear
having sex with a fox." Yes, you guessed right. Just like that CSI
episode. Just like that Entourage with the pink bunny rabbit. Matt is
a furry. Wikipedia it. there are conventions.

Self Entitled Assholes

http://gawker.com/5003010/ivy-leaguer-shocked-by-likely-future-as-burger-flipper

The lovely sophisticate, Judge Judy Sheindlin, brought this to my attention and rightfully so—it’s safe to say that those who posses a sense self entitlement, are self entitled assholes. Especially this one. Judge Judy is the bomb diggity…and one of top legal aficionados ‘round these parts. She rules. Literally. You can look forward to more savoir-faire in her soon to be regular post ‘Tales from the Bench: Guilty as Charged, Asshole!’ I for one, can hardly contain myself—Judge Judes is one femme fatale who really knows how to work the system and its players. Case closed, Asshole!

Green Eyed Assholes

An acquaintance of mine has recently gotten his panties in a twist in regard to my match making success! Cry about it, RuPaul. Oh wait, he already has. In light of his latest bitching spree, I realize, it’s not me, Ru—it’s you. Get a grip, sad sally, and stop trying to bring the rest of the world to its knees (even though it’s your fav. place to drop). Other’s happiness in no way should detract from yours, so stop bringing Emmett down—plus, let’s be honest here: he’ll never be able to get to your level, even on his worst day.

Dear RuPaul,

Didn’t mother ever teach you that jealously looks good on no one? I realize you can’t help but become this green-eyed monster; and it’s not your fault. You clearly lack the maturity, security and purity to take this in stride. The man crush you’ve rightfully developed on Emmett Richmond shouldn’t override your personal dignity and self respect—for the love of god, manwoman, get a hold of yourself. Bitching and moaning at Emmett and his social counterparts isn’t going to improve your situation. Take a look deep inside, Ru—it’s not his new relationship which irks you so, it is something else that troubles your conscious…I’m going to go with either the way you conduct yourself in public situations or your innate shadiness on the whole. Either way, grow up, dear Ru—it’s time for you to shine! So, dust your proverbial shoulder off and get back in the game; stop being so afraid of yourself. Perhaps, then, the world for you will be a less daunting place. Your happiness is much akin to the New York Lotto—stop being such a pain in everyone’s ass, and maybe, JUST maybe, HEY—you never know, right? I’d give you the attitude adjustment myself, but sadly, I don’t waste my time with such unfortunate miseries. Ru—no one likes an asshole, but everyone pities the jealous asshole.

Kisses!

Gisele

Grammy Fashions and The Assholes Who Judge Them

Daria Morgandoffer on life, love and Grammy Fashions:

Daria: oh and the E red carpet fashion people

who didn't know the word "batik" to describe carrie udnerwood's dresses

it's their job to know things like this

that's pretty much their sole purpose in existing, yet they still didn't know it

they were like "it's floral yet also sort of tie-dyed"

BATIK, YOU ASSHOLES

Gisele: thank you, daria depandi rancic

Infomercials and Asshole Consumers

Sarah Silverman: My boss is stuck in Cleveland – I have work too. Yoda’s assistant made me a quadruple espresso. These things are like crack

Gisele: work is for assholes. this suckssssssssssssss i just drank "5 hour energy". i saw it on an infomercial last night at 1 am. i'm the ultimate consumer

Sarah Silverman: OMG I always see that and want to try it. Let me know what it does.

Gisele: oh totally!!! other than a little acid reflux, it seems alright to me...it tastes like asshole

Sarah Silverman: Eww you’ve tasted asshole gross!!!

Disclaimer: I have not actually tasted asshole, but should I have had the misfortune, I would imagine it tastes something like the berry flavored, 4 calorie, "5 hour ENERGY' shot which I purchased and consumed earlier this morning. "Feel it in minutes. Lasts for hours," Asshole.

Daria Morgandoffer: haha ya

*sidenote: gisele has not actually dappled in the backdoor tasting

Thank you, Daria, for bringing this important information to the attention of the masses.