Common Office Assholes: A Bundorffer Production

No introduction necessary. Watch out, Carl Linnaeus. We're taking taxonomy to a whole new level of epic asshole proportions! Brace yourselves!

The Overly Nice Asshole

• Will ALWAYS ask how your weekend was. And your Monday night. And Tuesday night. And every minute of every day after that. Hey, Asshole, leave me alone.
• Compliments your clothes/some aspect of your appearance even if you come to work covered in pigeon shit and have suddenly had a leprosy outbreak.
• Thanks you profusely for every little thing. You’re so welcome for that tissue/piece of paper/pen/roundhouse kick to the face, Asshole!

Confuses the Words “Take” and “Borrow” Asshole

• Asks to “borrow” unreturnable items including stamps, paper, and your dignity

Couldn’t Care Less That You’re Alive Asshole

• Doesn’t acknowledge your existence. Ever.
• If there were a fire in the building, would most likely rescue his/her labelmaker/BlackBerry (depending on how important he/she is in the company) before letting you know.

Inappropriate/Overshare Email Asshole

• Thinks it’s ok to forward links from their fraternity listserve to the office
• Let’s you know that he/she was not at that meeting yesterday due to a combination of irritable bowel syndrome, PMS, projectile vomiting, and herpes
• Believes you want to have your computer screen “cleaned” by that stupid pug dog on that website that “licks” your screen. NO THANKS, ASSHOLE.

Let's and by “Let's” I Mean “We” and by “We” I mean “You” Asshole

• Here's an idea--do it yourself, ASSHOLE. The shitty idea was yours to begin with and I certainly do not want my name on what most likely will be shot down, mocked, or snuffed by people who respect you as much as they do the office food supplies--it's all good until there is nothing left to give, then you're dumped.

The Blogging Asshole

• Appears innocuous because he/she always smiles graciously, but is secretly judging/blogging about you right now (note: the authors of this list are this type of asshole and PROUD OF IT).

Thinks You Two are Actually Friends Outside of the Office Asshole

• Actually thinks you are his/her friend. Tries to tell you about his/her life. Invites you out on the weekend.
• Warning: This person probably does not have any friends, so avoid getting sucked in and being that asshole. Do NOT give him/her your cell phone number. Or gmail handle. Seriously. We warned you.

The “Happy Friday!!!! (Smiley face/winky face emoticon)” Asshole

• Bakes cupcakes every Thursday night because tomorrow is Friday.
• Does not actually eat said cupcakes, merely gets some kind of sick joy from making them to “celebrate” Friday. Maybe my favorite dog died on a Friday, and I don’t want to celebrate that godawful day, all right, asshole???

Sucks SO MUCH at Life It’s Beyond Unclear How He/She is Still Living Asshole

• The name says it all. Why do you have to interact with this asshole on a daily basis? How did he/she manage to get hired?? Surely pro-life advocates would reverse their stance if they ever met this person.
• Caveat: Your friends who have never met this person will refuse to listen to you tell stories about how much said person sucks because he/she sucks so much that even stories about how much they suck end up sucking.

The Intraoffice Competitive Peer Asshole

• Yes, we're the same age. That means born in the same year. OH SO FUNNY, you thought you were the youngest person in the office? Really? That's what you spend your time thinking about. Hooray for you! Just because we, as fate would have it, are peers, we are not by any means in the same place in life. So all that time you spend trying to one up me, throw a fast one by me, and kiss ass, Ms. starved for attention, remember this: I'm more intelligent, likable and creative than you are--so you may as well stop wasting your time. Cheers!
• P.S. You're not going to cry now are you? Oh. You are? Awesome. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen, brownnosing asshole! I’ll have the office manager order you some tissues the next time she gets supplies.

Takes Reading Material into the Bathroom [where he will be wiping his] Asshole

• The writer of this list cannot believe she actually witnessed this. But it did, in fact, happen.
• Not only did the offender take reading material into the bathroom, he took Kodaks to proof that would then be passed along to other members of the editorial team. Someone flag those Kodaks, Brentano’s-on-Seinfeld style. They’ve been alarmingly close to this asshole’s asshole.

Halitosis Asshole

• BRUSH YOUR TEETH, ASSHOLE. And when I offer you gum, it’s a hint, not a gesture.

The Hour-Late Everyday Yet Somehow Manages Not to Get Caught Asshole

• Bitch comes in at least an hour late every day, yet the ONE FREAKING TIME you are FIVE MINUTES LATE because of circumstances beyond your control, your boss shoots you an email chastising you for your tardiness.

Doesn’t Respond to your Non-Work-Related Email Asshole

• As you can see, we are surrounded by a bubble of assholosity at the office. Therefore, we often find ourselves turning to outside sources of entertainment via our non-work email account. Sometimes we think we have built up a nice rapport with a non-work-related email contact, but apparently we were wrong. You have hurt us, non-work-related email “friend.” You have hurt us real bad.

Constantly References College Asshole

• OMG, you went to college!??! No way!!!!!!! So did I!!!!!! Wait, you went to parties there? And drank lots of alcohol? And participated in ridiculous light-hearted frivolity similar to that seen in Animal House, Van Wilder, Old School, and every other cliché college movie ever!?!??! Wow, you are awesome. Clearly my college experience pales in comparison to yours. Can I touch you? No? I am so unworthy.
• Please continue to try to one-up me any time I mistakenly mention doing something in college. I only brought it up that one time because we were discussing cheesesteaks and I happened to go to school in Philadelphia. And to be fair, I only brought up Philadelphia, not the school I attended there. You were the one who took it to the “well the regional fare at MY school…” level. Otherwise, I am never this type of asshole, and you should strive not to be, either.

The Asshole Who Thinks He’s the Boss but He’s Not

• Personal hero: Dwight Shrute

Talks Wayyyyy Too Loudly Asshole

• You sit two rows of cubicles over, yet somehow I know every detail of your recent trip to Ireland, that you watch American Idol (and think that some guy named John is “going all the way”), and your mother’s recent cruise to Aruba. SHUT THE HELL UP, ASSHOLE.

The King of Assistants Asshole

• Personal hero: Jack Donaghy’s Assistant

The “Hey! I’m an all-around crazy, cool cat so EVERYONE in the office likes me…I think…” Asshole

• Do me a favor and let’s get something straight here, son. You’re not here to win a high school superlative; you’re here to do a job. I know, it was a shocker for me, too. So do us all a favor and relax with the interoffice social campaign, Mr. looking for love in all the wrong places. There isn’t anything you can do, because anyone who’s worth a dime thinks you’re poor excuse for human being; professionally AND socially. Oh yeah, and a total asshole
  

The Scheming Strategist Asshole

• Milton Bradley created games for leisure. So while you’re double talking and ass kissing to furtively confirm your suspicions that it was indeed the professor with the steak knife in the library who slaughtered your self-respect; I’ll be doing my work and getting out of here in hopes of being a “real boy,” Pinocchio. The only thing worse than the two faced schemer, is the two faced schemer who strategizes. So, PROCEED WITH CAUTION, schemer and climb the latter like everyone else…or, risk taking a big fall, asshole!

Gossiping Assholes

• Maybe it’s your prerogative, Bobby Brown, but the rest of us are really, “just not that into you,” or, for that matter, the unnecessary pieces of information you’re passing along…unless of course you know which account exec. inadvertently made out with a trannie at last month’s happy hour. So when ‘Everybody's talking all this stuff,’ Bobby, ‘everybody’ also knows it came straight from the horse’s mouth…and that’s being kind. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. But if you’re spreading the word re: heat in kitchen, you’re an asshole.

“I’m Not That Innocent” Asshole

• “Hi, I’m Mary Jane. Just moved into the big city from Minnesota. I’m a Delta Nu who enjoys sunny days sweeping the clouds away, on my way to where the air is clean. Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”
• “Hey, Mary. Mr. Rogers called. He wants his faux sincerity back. And while you’re at it, Mary, holier than now only works when you’re not ‘secretly’ sleeping around with half the accounting department and a third of production. Yeah, secret’s out and the jig is up, asshole (thanks for the tip, gossiping asshole!).”

Thinks She Discovered PerezHilton/PinkistheNewBlog/Insert Other Celebrity-Bashing Blog Here Asshole

• What, Asshole? You read on this “great new website called PerezHilton.com” that Pink and her husband are getting divorced? You’re asking me if I’ve seen the site before? It’s funny? He’s kind of a douche with weird-colored hair? Wow, someone tell the Times about this so they can profile him in the Styles section. Oh wait, they already did and it is no longer 2001, ASSHOLE. Come talk to me when you have somewhat new/recent/relevant information. Actually, now that I think about it, it’d be better if you didn’t talk to me at all.