The Assholes of Interdietary Dating Standards

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/13/dining/13incompatible.html

There is nothing I love more than a vegetarian on a power trip. Seriously. Let’s find more ways to complicate the dating process by interjecting our personal diets as determinants in our romantic lives. According to an article in today’s NYT, “The culinary camps have become so balkanized that some factions consider interdietary dating taboo.”

“I went out with one guy who said I seemed really great but he liked bread too much to date me,” said Ms. James, 41, a writer in Seattle who cannot eat gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye…Ben Abdalla, 42, a real estate agent in Boca Raton, Fla., said he preferred to date fellow vegetarians because meat eaters smell bad and have low energy.”

This IS a joke, right? Why can’t we all just get along—what happened to a world where carnivores and herbivores held hands and dined together in harmony, sans nutritional judgment? Who published the treatise justifying this rationale: do vegimites and meat eaters truly equate to a romantic disaster of taxonomic proportions? Clearly ‘interdietary dating’ isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s no wonder we’ve all become habitual substance abusers. Whatever happened to Kumbayah Billy Joel style, “I love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE”? We’ve suddenly morphed into a society of, “I love you just the way you are…when you’re ingesting gluten free soy patties?” Ew, Asshole. Nevertheless, I personally think these new eating criterion have done wonders for our cultural self esteem standards:

“Since then, Mr. Ahern has given up eating bread at home, though he still eats it when he goes out. For her part, Ms. James has begun eating offal and foie gras, which were once anathema. ‘We’ve changed each other,’ she said.”

That is what EVERY little girl dreams of; a man who will take her out to dictate and scrutinize her eating habits, one dollop of hummus at a time. I think Dr. Phil [huge, bald asshole] may have something to say about the whole ‘let’s change each other’ premise. Again, it all goes back to my man Billy, “Don't go changing, to try and please me…” The world’s stage would SO be a better a place if we were all credited cast members in “I’m Moving Out.”

But when all else fails, those assholes at eHarmony’s are here and insincere; ready to regulate! Thanks for the totally obscure tips, eHarmony. I really would never have guessed that it would be unattractive to have ‘corn smashed all over my face.’ Good thing Al Gore invented the internet and you were here to set me straight:

http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=1900

RULE #1: To avoid embarrassment when flashing those pearly whites, avoid clingy, leafy greens such as spinach, seaweed and mint.

RULE#2: Corn on the cob is famously messy, and while it’s a barbeque staple, this cylindrical side should be avoided when you are trying to make a good impression. Like those leafy greens, corn kernels are guaranteed to get lodged in your teeth, and you can’t help but end up with butter and corn smashed all over your face. (Ladies, you may or may not know this, but corn on the cob tends to smear lipstick.)

While corn on the cob is something to be avoided for the aforementioned reasons, it’s even worse when you indulge in elote – the Mexican-style cob that’s slathered in mayo, rolled in cheese and covered with chili powder. A mere taste will result in a face fiesta from nose to chin.

Note to self: EW. You know who eats MEXICAN STYLE corn on the cob? Nasty Assholes.

RULE#3: Poppy, strawberry and sesame seeds find lodging in every tooth cranny. Hard to miss and even harder to remove, these culprits will have your date staring at your freckled teeth with embarrassment.

RULE #4: From shrimp in the shell to crab legs and lobster, the sight of cracking, ripping and gouging these alien-looking aliments with a plastic bib and butter-covered face is likely to be a turnoff (especially if your date is a vegetarian).

RULE#5: Ribs turn you into a sauce-covered carnivore that’s just plain messy. Inevitably, you are stuck with the barbeque condiment plastered around your mouth, making you look like a menacing clown. [Just the look I was going for, ASSHOLE!] The discarded pile of bones seems is reminiscent of a cemetery—the farthest from romance you can get.

RULE #6: Beans A double whammy—the musical fruit also finds a way to cover your shiny tooth, creating little bean jackets. Unless you like looking like a jack-o’-lantern, you should pass on these gas-inducing legumes.

RULE#7: Cheese Ripe cheeses have a way of lingering on the palate, resulting in a rancid mixture of sour milk and dirty laundry. Reach for some fruit to push that unpleasant smell away, or just avoid it altogether.

RULE#8: Garlic and Onions Most of us know to steer clear of this duo, but it’s hard to do when sometimes it’s hidden as a flavor-enhancing ingredient. Raw onions are worse than cooked, with a lingering punch that is much harder to get rid of. On the same note, garlic keeps vampires and good-night kisses at bay.

No shit, Assholes. And by the way, kissing on the first date is SO last year. Word on the street is that ‘giving cheek,’ is all the rage. Calling all first-daters, hording garlic bread and onion soup is A-OK for round 1. Kickin’ breath is cool. Stank Assholes.