Proceed with Caution, Asshole

Drew Barrymore—a breath of fresh air. The basis for my adoration is firmly rooted her steadfast resolve; she is living proof, that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Asshole. Drew will be updating us periodically in a series titled: Misadventures with Freaky Assholes. Reason #1,947 why she completes me.

it started way back in my younger years. washington dc. met jim
on the street walking back to foggy bottom. he asked if i had a
pedicure. i said no, why. he said that girls who had pedicures usually
kept everything...else... clean and tidy too. i was intrigued. i went
back to his apartment. he took pictures. i learned he was arab and his
real name was kareem but went by the all american, "jim." should have
been my first red flag.

but no. the red flag(s) didnt come until a few weeks later when me and
jim were "dating". he never told me his age or his last name. i
thought he was mysterious. should have been a red flag. but yet, no.

red flag finally came a few weeks later when, during one of our
physical and violent sexual experiences, he put his hand over my mouth
and pulled my air so hard it came out in a clump wrapped around his
fingers. Asphyxiation. he said. it enhances the sexual
experience, he said. RED FLAG FINALLY CAME.

Few years and experiences later, i met matt. He was leaving a bar. I
saw his back. his back looked like "my type". I slapped him. he
turned. i said "hi, i think we are going to be boyfriend and
girlfriend." A month later, I am at his apartment in Inwood (google
it). It was disgusting. literally, roach in kitchen. I felt a flag,
but it was more pink then red. A few hours later, we are in the
afterglow of sex. the quintessential after-sex conversation begins...
fantasies, do you like being tied up, all normal and kosher
conversation. but then. red flag. red, blazing, on-fire and still
smoking flag. he says, "have you ever thought about dressing up?"
Without a second thought i ask, "oh, like a sexy little girl or
something? a police officer?" "No.." Matt begins. "Not like a sexy
police officer... more like, well. some people.. {EDIT: SOME PEOPLE IE
MATT}.. some people like to dress up as animals" Hmm. okay. animals.
"So like, a sexy bunny?" please god. let it be a sexy bunny. "No...
more like, well for instance. I could be a bear, and you could be a
fox, so it wouldn't be like me having sex with you... but like a bear
having sex with a fox." Yes, you guessed right. Just like that CSI
episode. Just like that Entourage with the pink bunny rabbit. Matt is
a furry. Wikipedia it. there are conventions.