My Name is Sarah and I'm an Asshole

Hi, I’m Sarah Silverman. Not the real Sarah Silverman – duh. It’s merely an alias so I can bitch about all the assholes. As I sit and think about this though, I can’t really think of many assholes in my daily life. Then I realized it – I am an asshole. I find humor when people are frustrated, I smile when someone is angry, I laugh at others’ minor mishaps. I am an asshole. Take for example today; I was in Saks taking the express elevator. Now I love the express elevator it goes straight to the shoe floor (8) no stops in between. But there is always so dumb schmuck who doesn’t realize this. Even though there are signs EVERYWHERE and the elevator itself is bright red, unlike all the other elevators. Still these schmucks push the buttons over and over and freak out when their floor is passed. Then someone (of course not me because I’m an asshole) tells them it’s an express elevator. The schmuck usually makes a slightly inappropriate comment and I chuckle to myself. I am amused by silly things like this, not when actual bad things happen to people. I’m an asshole – not a douche bag.